/me

one must know

2006-02-24T21:49:00.000-08:00

One must know what one wants to do.

The first use I should make use of my brain is to understand what I want to do, what I like to do, and what I will be doing.

If I dont know where I am going, or where I want to know, then I cannot say that I have any sort of a thinking brain, which I do think I have.

changing, yet being myself

2005-12-05T00:45:00.000-08:00

i dont have to judge myself so much.

its okay, i am okay. i am doing fine.

i dont have to stop loving other people --- i am regularly a person who likes to play it low on ego, and to like other people, to admire other people (at self's expense), and to find mistakes in myself, then I try to think why cant i be like others?

i fail to acheive anything i want -- i want to read a book -- i fail to read it -- i want to make my parents+family+friends+acquaintainces happy -- i fail to do what i want to do -- then i feel bad and miserable -- and then i feel i should be more like others.

when i try to be like others -- i fail -- and the people who are familiar with me, and like my older self (i dont usually realize that), they find me different -- and then it does fit in my usual personality, and then it appears that my friendships are failing, because i have changed, the personality with which i made those relationships itself has changed (i dont usually realize that there must be something good about my own natural personality that people feel nice and make friends with me for that reason)

i dont have to change a lot, i dont have to become like others. its okay, i have faults, thats okay, maybe as a whole person i am not negative? maybe i am positive when i add up everything about me -- so what i need to do is not to become like others, not to monitor and judge closely everything i do; but basically modify my personality ever so slightly that whatever i intend to do, i can do. What I want I finish, I fail no responsibilities I want to keep. And I can make decisions I like, and not waste time, and in general lead a good, fulfilling, enriching life.

That way i keep being myself (loving others, not imposing myself on others, merging with other people's personalities, respecting others, not demeaning others in order to feel good,) and yet not feel a sense of failure. If however, some part of my personality makes me fail to do what I want to do, then I must leave attachment to those tendencies, and forget they were ever a part of me, myself.

(reminds me of my earlier "to be or to become" dilemma)

attracting comment; not selecting your friends

2005-10-01T03:51:00.000-07:00

I) Somehow in my childhood, I was this foolish little kid who did not know how exactly to behave in front of so many other children at school.

This led to people commenting on me -- see how bad this guy is, see how foolish this guy is, etc.

Then I tried to suppress myself to do things which will yield only positive comments from others -- I tried to show that I am good, I am smart, I am able.

But this never worked out consistently -- I was able to get positive comments, but could not prevent many negative comments either.

Then I got in love with all those comments -- whether positive or negative. In fact, I started liking that people notice me and comment on me. Because there were not many other ways that I could seek their attention -- I was never a mature, responsible, street-smart, kind of guy.

So then my power of empathy increased, because I needed to think what other people are thinking of me, and thus what comments are they thinking, or will make. Because I had to monitor them, control them.

When they started making a lot of negative comments, I will try and do something to get a positive comment; and vice-versa.

In essence, I only loved that somebody was making comments about me.

(This took me closer and closer to narcissism.)

(Hence these three blogs I write)

II) Due to my inability to communicate with others, and make mature communication; I used to do mostly thought-up conversation, rather than original one directly coming out of me. Due to this, I was not confident that anybody will become friends with me. So, if anybody used to talk with me, I used to feel privileged. I never used to reply well to them, because I was never as mature as them. So I used to make my best effort. I used to make them feel good about me; and when they contacted back, I used to feel priveleged that I was accepted.

So my friends were not selected by me; but they got selected automatically, when some people managed to bear my immaturity for a longer time, and didnt mind communicating with me.

This continues until today. I didnt much select my existing friends -- I didnt try to stay only with people who I felt comfortably close, and with whom frequencies matched. I made friends with whomever came along, and showed patience to be with me.

III) This is also coming from my family setup. I have a joint family, and in my family sub-culture, having friends is not so much encouraged, but most companionship is assumed to be with family cousins etc. With most people in our older generations having many number of children, the number of our cousin families was large.
This setup required me to like all of my cousins, and their families (that is what many used to do), and hence "choosing" people for companionship was a concept that never really got imbibed into me. And I tried to make everybody happy, since thats what we were supposed to do in a large family.

IV) These effects mentioned till now are a large responsible factor for my today's behavior. I try to make everybody happy, dont choose people, dont express my likings among people, try to make a bigger social group where everybody is happy and likes each other and is friend with each other.

V) These behaviors are causing some issues that I am noticing these days. First of all, I have observed that people have an easier and more comfortable life when they have actually chosen their companionship mates. Secondly, this model fits in well the current US professional and personal mental framework of most people. Thirdly, my model is difficult to incorporate among large groups of people here, since even the Indians who I hang out with are from cultural backgrounds so different to mine. Fourthly, managing my model causes more inconvenience to self as well.

VI) Hence now I have to choose between
(a) using empathy, understand everybody as the same generic person; have a liking for all people; dont "select" people for friendships; love everybody; take care of everybody..
(b) selecting people for friendships, seeking like-minded people, get it into the general behavior that everybody behaves for his own benefit, and it is courteous to assume this, dont use so much empathy, behave from one's own benefit perspective,..

there are 2 parts

2005-09-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

(This older post was more detailed on this topic)

I find that earlier I was a regular engineer... just thinking of technology, and how to solve problems, and want to go ahead and go cool stuff that few people can do.

Then suddenly this cultural shock of coming to the US, and being with Milind, pushed me into this "humanities" side of things, wherein I started looking at the world in terms of "psychology", "cultures" and "philosophies".

These two worldviews conflict, hugely.

My functionality in the job scene started going down.

Today after meeting a person in the company who was very fast, as a technical person, I realized my "lost" self.

If I am in the "engineering" self, then I can do my work as an engineer better; life appears simple, and I progress only in the engineering/technological domain. If I am in my "metalife" self (wherein I look at people in terms of psychology/love/spirituality/philosophy), then I can empathize better, understand meaning of life better, understand people's emotional selves, able to look at people internally, vicariously live any person's life, etc.

I want these both selves. I want to be both. I want to somehow combine the best of both selves. I want to be able to switch to either self depending on the situation. I want to mix both in myself.

Everything is damn possible, lets try.

Lets try.

Lets try.

Points to Happiness

2005-08-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

As if I hadnt put in such posts before, here is one more.

Here is a few points, which can give me sustained happiness, I think. And I am very serious this time about implementing them.

- Discipline (things must be done as they should be done)
- Will Power (if we want to do anything, it MUST be done; if we dont want; it MUST NOT)
- complete the smaller mundane tasks of life fast, so that you can focus on the bigger ones
- relax your mind, control thought rumination, and breath easy; dont ruminate on work while at home
- give an hour everyday to hobby, like reading etc
- dont be frustrated to do things/tasks, do them cheerfully and happily; if you dont want to do it, dont do it. If you want to do it, then figure out the most efficient way to do it, so that you dont get frustrated, and can complete it in time and with appropriate attention
- GET THINGS DONE
- When you have done all this, you will probably be free to "LOVE THYSELF"
- You are your present, and not your past. Express yourself in the present. Looking at the past and ruminating is also good. But not at most times. Most times, you should be able to relax, and ruminate only at will, when required.

Holding back the past

2005-08-08T02:48:00.000-07:00

My actions of keeping bookmarks --- to write somewhere each site I visited -- keeping a blog (one about things, and one about myself) to record all thoughts I have -- to put up many programs I wrote -- to put up all of the stuff that I have put up on website : all these actions are my desire to keep hold of the past, my desire to NOT move on, my desire to chew on the past, and not act in the present; my desire to evaluate choices not by instant decision, but by continued, unproductive rumination of life events.

My tendencies to ruminate on thoughts, seeking pleasure in harming myself and seeking awe; define me.

Can such people be actually loveable?

Although, often I am very emotional. I like seeking and giving love. But these other negative behavioral traits engulf me too often; causing me to appear inconsistent, and essentially repulsive.

decisions, dilemmas in choices

2005-08-08T01:39:00.000-07:00

I am caught between two personality types -- the conservative, family-type traditional personal, and the independent thinker.

They contrast sharply.

I dont know where I need to go -- what I really am -- where my happiness really lies.

Now that I have to choose a girl to marry -- I might have to decide. As always, the positives and negatives appear on both paths.

American or Indian? Academic or Business? Family or Friends? Traditional or thinker? Conserve or liberate? Oriented towards the past, or the future? Oriented towards Self or Others?

Others dont think about these issues. Their personality is made from heaven, and they know exactly what they are -- they dont think before they behave, they behave spontaneously.

The biggest hurdle in my life as regards to marriage, is the choice between these attitudes. Because these choices will heavily impact the choice of my to-be-wife, and the continued happiness of marital life....

It would probably have been better, if I didnt even have to think about these choices. Ummmm...or maybe not? Another dilemma..!

-Gaurang.

thinking and being happy

2005-08-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

It feels like that I think too much to actually be happy in the conventional ways.

(I know I must have said this a lot of times before)

Myself?

2005-07-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

I have vicariously inherited so many emotional mindsets and outlooks from other people, that I no longer know where I end and my vicariously learned self starts.

I no longer know whether I myself want to go for the dance lessons, or whether its just an emotion that I vicariously inherited (something like -- "oh look at that person - he/she is happy -- analyse her emotional mindset -- look, I should be like that -- I am so dumb/dull! -- I should be like that ", and then I slowly inherit various states of excited, gregarious emotional states)...

It has helped mostly, since actually I had various kinds of deficiencies in my emotional mindset as compared to a normal person, and I was able to understand my deficiencies, and rectify those in myself slowly...

But nothing comes for free -- Now I no longer who I am -- and the problem becomes bigger here: nobody else who meets also understands who I am... nobody is able to understand what kind of person I am -- this strange inconsistent mix of emotions gives an impression of an artificial, vague kind of person, with no real self...

And then relationships become a little difficult...

What I must do, is to stabilize on my emotions -- to create a "new me" -- which will be a particular mix of myself and my inculcated self, but in a more natural, stabilized, consistent form -- and thereafter reduce or stop the further inculcation -- in other words, rest in peace.

spending time avoiding social disapprovals

2005-07-18T03:43:00.000-07:00

I tend to spend a LOT of time thinking about how to avoid failure (like failing to fulfill what people, both strangers and acquaintances, expect me to do; basically failing to get social approval) and how to patch past failures; in fact I do not spend as much time on anything else.

Actually, almost all of my behavior is centered around avoiding social disapprovals.

I get most happy when I am able to successfully avoid a possible big social disapproval.

I must think more about constructive ways to enrich and fulfill myself, rather than possible social approval failures, and those will automatically reduce possibly if I stop thinking about them.

But hard to do; its not easy to give up a hard-embibed habit. Its stuck.

I think if I stop thinking about them, and think about direct positive self-enrichment, and fulfillment; I will be able to get to my real social self; and break it free from the shell, right into open social space.

/me

2005-06-21T01:08:00.000-07:00

Someone I know needs help. He needs love. He is sad, he is sorrowful. He wants somebody to be there with him. He wants others to take care of him. He needs to lean on someone. He is tired of facing the world. He is tired of all this struggle. He needs somebody to love him.

I love him. I want to solve all his troubles. I want him to know that I love him, that I am here for him.

But I don't know how to say it. I dont know how to make him feel better. I don't know how to say that i am there with him, for everything.

This is my biggest exam -- once I clear this -- i will be relieved. I will feel better. Life will seem easier.

(if I could solve all my relationship problems, nobody will be happier than me)

Looking at self as a person

2005-06-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

(Also cross posted to Thought Blog

Today, I decided to look at life with me as an individual, and a living and desiring one at that, rather than looking at life as a bunch of things.

Today I decided to love life rather than things.

Today I decided to connect myself with my past, and to better understand myself -- where I am coming from and where I belong.

I suddenly feel happy and living. Suddenly I know what to do -- suddenly I understand what I want -- suddenly confusions reduce, and problems reduce; and especially masochistic tendencies and habits can be identified and toned down.

Suddenly I understand what I must do to make myself happy, and fulfilled.

We must. We must love life and not things. We must love ourself as a living, desiring-to-be-happy individual rather just a non-entity between logically proceeding world and life.

We must look at life with a consideration of people's emotional needs; and structures which were formed to satisfy those needs including social ones such as family, religions, cultures, and economical such as abstract entities (like a company).

However, such outlooks, which focus upon a person's biological and related origins, may make a person oriented excessively towards the self.

We should try -- and try hard, since that might be necessary -- to find ways which fulfil all people towards what they actually want.

(Incomplete)

Interview with myself

2005-05-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

If somebody asks me these questions, these will be my answers:

Q) So hey, what are you trying to do?
A) I am trying to prove I am smart.

Q) You make friends and relationships for what? Growing up together, supporting each other, learning from each other, or sharing cultural memes?
A) I make friends and relationships in order to get "approval" for myself, and to have somebody who thinks that I am smart.

Q) You ask questions and discuss issues and concepts with others. Do you do thatt we understand life and world better, and then we can together live life better, and more happily?
A) I discuss and debate in order to get approval from others that I am smart.

Q) Do you do anything other than trying to prove to others that you are smart?
A) No.

Q) Come on. You must be doing something else... like working towards your life path, enhancing your life impact and effect for feeling the sense of growth, helping out your family, etc.?
A) Everything that I do is for proving that I am smart.

Q) Should you advise anybody to be your friend or in some relationship with you?
A) No. I should be dumped out of the world.

Q) Is that what the world is doing to you right now?
A) It is trying to, but failing. I hope it succeeds.

Q) Do you think you will become better? (OR what is the diagnosis and prognosis of this?)
A) I am dumb & dull, which caused social rejection, which effectively resulted me dropping into the "Show that I am smart" attitude. And my broken relationships caused me to be unsatisfied and unclear on my sexual instincts, which has further instilled masochistic tendencies into me (these are somehow indirectly related to sexual pleasure). And now these masochistic tendencies give me pleasure on hurting myself in all kinds of ways -- continuing to be in "act smart" attitude is one strong example of this....(since acting smart makes me fail in all kinds of relationships). I think these tendencies will continue to hurt me unto my death.

talking to family is tonic for me

2005-05-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

Whenever I talk to my mummy and daddy, I feel different.

I feel that I have a life. I feel that I know how to live happily.

Its a very weird -- different experience.

Everyday I am thinking of what to do. It appears like such a difficult choice. Whether to go this way or that way. Meeting so many different kinds of people having so many different kinds of lives -- ideas about lives -- that one becomes confused.

When I talk to my parents, I feel I am okay... I am leading a fine life with a fine job, and a fine everything else. I just need to enjoy it.

Its so different.

In the traditional model of life, that my parents have (we are from a small town in India, having our own little way of doing this), I have to just be a simple person following what the values and cultures of traditional life tell...its not about self expression, its about how much you know about "what should be done according to what our society says". Its a completely different model than what we have here -- "what do I want to do?". This difference in the focus over an individual is obvious, glaring, and widereaching.

Its something related to this other observation: When I meet some people, I see that they are dynamic, and are always looking for ways to enrich their life, looking for new ways to have fun, looking for new things to learn (for some: "and analyze"), etc. But there are so many other people, who appear so simple: they look like they are not trying to be happy, they are just happy intrinsically...they have some kind of bliss or some deep contentment written over their face -- they dont need to do a lot to be happy -- just basic simple things will make them happy or sad. They dont confuse or over-complicate their lives. They stick with the basics. They are not the kind of people who will invent theory of relativity (since intelligence, sometimes I feel, is a consequence of some kind of a disturbed, unstable mind); but neither they need someone to do it.

The latter kind of people are easier to love, and befriend. By easier, I mean, I feel like talking to such kind of people more. I feel like being around them. They wont talk about weird new ways of looking at life, but they will pull together a subspace filled with care, support, love and closeness.

When I am very sad, I hardly think about any intelligent thing. I think about my family and love. I think about simplicity of love. I yearn for care, and not analysis.

And look at me...what I have become. I try to analyze everything. I try to analyze happiness and life. I analyze people, and culture. I analyze engineering problems. I try to make analysis as the basis of my behavior.

Its such a burden now that I think about it.

Simplicity is divine, complications are a bane.

God bless Life, and all that goes with it.

propriety

2005-02-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

This burden of propriety is becoming too high.

Instead of acting predictively (if I do this, will it be proper? what is the most proper behavior at this time), I think it will be better if I act reactively (do a particular thing more consistent with personal happiness; and then monitor the response of other people, and take slight care that other people are also happy with it).

I have been obsessed with predicting, which has been taking much of my mind space -- with the more free reactive behaving mind, I guess I will be more relaxed, thus boding good for spontaineity and clarity.

so confused

2005-02-24T13:28:00.000-08:00

Why am I so always confused?

I am so confused about life right now.

I dont know how to behave .... how can people behave so spontaneously?

I am confused about what I am supposed to be. I was a geek for sometime....shall I continue to be a geek? Some people like geeks too. Then I was originally bound to be a family person. Shall I be that? I like that too, and many people like that. But my background is not plain family person. ......bahbah bah

Basically my background is not simple. I have not been one kind of person always. I have been different kinds of person at different times.

Career oriented, intellectualism oriented, community oriented, family oriented, friends oriented, spread-joy-around oriented, business oriented, culture oriented, class oriented, etc. These are some of the orientations I have had over time. I have gone around these, because of my maturity -- if I always behaved spontaneously I would have followed a sane development path over these orientations. But the childishness in me really cant make any decisions or clear rational choices; this, and the absence of spontaneity, made me wander from orientation to orientation, without really knowing what I am , and what I want to be.

Confusion reigns supreme, and that affects a lot in my relationships, and even in my work.

Clarity and Spontaneity would be very desirable right now, but in my confusion, I am not even sure about that. Otherwise I could have tried to force them upon my subconscious.

ACtually, sometimes I feel why do I think so much -- why to think what I am supposed to be, what I should follow -- etc -- instead just follow what the heart says..... this kind of philosophy was told to me by Pragya, and I also believed in it for a while, when I wrote my quote -- "Dont try to be like others, just be happy." a few months ago. In fact, I stuck that quote on top of my cube at Paypal. People were surprised to see what this guy was doing -- such immaturity!

Anyway, now I have to work on such issues at Cisco, so that botherations about relationships and "what-I-should-be" type issues doesnt affect my focus and work.

But, alas. Relationships build around clarity and spontaneity, and problems in relationships really kill you and stop you from doing any work.

I have a huge task ahead of me, and time in Life is running out. I have already crossed a quarter of a century of years, and I should have been better now...but I will definitely grow.

background is what matters

2005-02-18T18:55:00.000-08:00

Hmm. One more thing I understood today.

At work, I was suddenly thinking why I am having trouble being like a normal company person -- who collaborates, who finds job in just being able to work properly, and progress in work, and improve job profile, etc.

I was having problems communicating, and collaborating with people.

In paypal, I was having problems with too many americans, and here at Cisco I was having problems with too many Indians...

Then the problem must not be in the environment, but somewhere in me.

Today I found that problem.

The problem is in my background.

I was in a family which was rich, and my father ran his own business where several dozen people worked under him. All my relatives also have their own business. So basically, my background and culture is for business stuff, where I am the owner and I command and manage other people. Here, as a person doing a job in America, I was supposed to be one of dozones of employees, taking orders from a manager, and collaborating and growing with peers -- which is totally a different environment.

My mind was not meant for this, and thus I was having trouble with this.

However, after knowing this, I can now train my mind to look at myself as a professional level employee, and forget my background. one thing I do well, is to manipulate my unconscious.

I think, now my workplace's innate happiness has already increased.

Learn to recognize yourself, and you might become happier.

:)

[ As I wrote on my thought blog -- Our future is an extrapolation of your past.

But, once you know this, then you can try to break this extrapolation -- it works -- but to keep note is that this is only on the surface, since the breaking of that extrapolation was also just an extrapolation. ]

happy! :)

2005-02-14T02:11:00.000-08:00

I am feeling much better today.... a couple of relationships got better. Or so it appears now. :-)

But there is a lot of ground to cover still...

How I did this? I tried to let the thoughts in my brain out.... I tried to actually tell people to do something, not just observe and reason, I actually tried to enact something. I let the thoughts flow out to my actions a bit... and let words flow out of my mouth.

I actually tried to show emotions, and let the problems in my mind out, ..... since this is the way happiness is created... .people let other people know by their actions and thoughts how they can be happy, what problems they have, and what is the possible solution that they see to their problems. Others hear the problems, and combine them with their problems, and combine his solutions with their solutions, and thus try to form a combined solution to the combined problem.

It is with free flow of thoughts and words, that synergies of people can be formed and maintained.

It is with the mutual march towards "meaning", that lives can actually be synergized into happiness!

disappointed

2005-02-13T02:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel that I haven't ever been understood by anybody, and maybe never will be. Maybe I have never understood myself. Or maybe I have to a certain extent, but maybe do not have the necessary willpower to do anything about it. Even if somebody comes asking to me about my plight, I cannot explain it to them, since I don't know how.....these are emotions so deep that logical explanations do not feel sufficiently descriptive to be able to put words on them...Or that the emotions are so complex, that they cannot be explained in linear thoughts, which are what we communicate in.

What do I want? Do I want other people to like me? Do I want other people to consider me as a mature person? Do I want ....

Sometimes I make the effort to go ahead and mix with people, put in a lot of enthusiasm, and then things dont work out. And then I have to ask myself, what am I doing? Am I really going in the right direction? Does the world want this? Do I want this? I don't know.

And as it is, my mind plays games with me. I can't think straight, nor write straight, my mind thinks so addictively about what others will think of this situation, and my mind gets saturated, with no real results...nothing gone, nothing done.

Like, right now, as I am writing this, I don't know whether I am writing what I want to. I don't know whether my mind is picking up words from what I am saying or words which have randomly, arbitrarily appeared from some deep complex wiring inside the brain, or from trying to calculate what others will think of me, and then produce words which will impress them?

I don't know who I am. My mind is incompetent of anything, and thus I am. I am the most useless person ever born on the face of the earth.

Everybody makes fun of me, because I am dumb, and say things which are so dumb. I don't know how others can think so fast. Why am I so dumb? What did I do?

What I am - how much is a result of my actions - and how much is God's creation?

Why am I so bad?

Why cant I reason out a way to my own happiness?

Why there is so much conflict within the brain? What do I want to do?

Do I want to be a super-smart guy that everybody is in awe for?

Do I want to be someone so honest, and trustful and moral, that he never does wrong?

Why cant I just be a normal happy person? What will I want from showing other people that I am moral, and intelligent?

Maybe because I am trying to show because of the very lack of these qualities, which has made my life a living hell.

How can people be so happy?

Does hating people, or identifying people who you match with -- is that the way to live life?

It does look like that hating people does help make us ourselves happier, because we feel that we have exercised our choice, and we feel powerful, and enacters, and we feel that now we can enjoy our choices? As if, because they were not our choices, so we couldn't enjoy them?

(Incomplete)

feeling down

2005-01-20T01:35:00.000-08:00

It feels like I am now becoming more and more content with my dullness.

Am I heading out in the right direction, or a worse direction?

Earlier I used to be charged up about improving, and abotu counter attacking my problems like dullness etc. I used t build up entusiasm and energy in myself, so that other people liek me. But in the past few days, it appears that I ahave become tired. Now I dont want to do anything. I feel content with what exists. I am now not lifting up the cell phone sometime. Sometime I dont do anything. I feel strangely okay with whats going on. Do I have to always pester myself to action and energy? I know that it has been good, because action and energy is something that is good to transfer within groups. And we make relationships based on that. But how much should we try to change ourself. How much should we just be ourself, and how much shoudl we try to change ourself. My response to emails, and my keeping up with daily activities has also reduced. I feel like doing nothing. My mind goes off in weird directions, and I forget to do basic things, like fulfilling basic tasks like replying to mails, filling forms, phoning friends and relatives, getting up in the morning, doing things which I want to do.

Now what I want is only bliss -- doing nothing. Just settle down and do nothing.

Is it that I am going back to depression?

Is it depression at its best?

This reminds me of the days when I was having trouble with completing basic tasks. Those days are back.

Life needs so much motivation... where should I gather so much motivation?

However, probably just my mood isnt great today. Sometimes when my mood is great, I am as happy as anybody could be.

The thing is I need to discover myself and my path.

Then I will get back my motivation as well as happiness as well as energy.

Yea yeah, I know I am putting unnecessary conditionals on something I must do now.

Like a child, who postpones that he will do his homework only after he fills up ink in his ink pen, which never comes soon.

focus on more normal life things

2005-01-15T06:02:00.000-08:00

I am trying to focus on these things these days:

reliability
productivity (this is more used for work-related purposes, but I mean in a general sense -- like being productive means completing more tasks that I want to do, regardless of whether they are related to business or pleasure)
being happy -- finding how can I get a smile on my face in whatever I do (see my recent entry in Thought Blog --
planning -- such that everybody turns out to be happy and that it is also convenient to all of them
fulfilling duties
getting context in social situations (usually i feel completely out of context)
getting some ego, and some self respect, since these are helpful for getting motivated to manage ourselves well, which in turn makes other people better with you.

beat myself

2005-01-12T15:22:00.000-08:00

I think to need beat myself a little bit, in order to get up and cheerful.

distance

2005-01-12T03:30:00.000-08:00

Understanding the boundaries between people is so important.

I have no understanding of this distance. Or I need to refine it a lot more.

How much I am for me, and how much I am for others.

For example, I like to talk to other people like they are my own,. Like I am them and they are me. I take their decisions and problems as my own. I try to solve their problems like my own.

This has both positives and negatives. Both them and me like when we both take their problems as ours. But then I also tend to take their decisions as something like mine. For this case, it usually works out since they understand my nature. But somtimes this is a big problem since even for new people I do this. So I tell them " no, you should do this, not that". This creates problems because they feel that I am stepping on their feet.

Its this distance. Its so difficult to find the correct distance . yeah.

The second negative is that I myself get clobberred. I am not able to do my own things , and not able to find time to keep myself happy. Most of the time I am solving others problems. In fact, I did not even think this way that "I am solving others problems" . Because all these problems appear to me as mine, the people appear to me as mine, so whats the problem. The problem is that maybe we as humans do not have enough time even theoretically to solve lot of problems besides our own. Maybe our society has not progressed enough that we have ample time besides fulfilling our own survival needs to give to others. Maybe it is the law of nature. Maybe it is the current state of society. Or maybe it is just me and my mismanagement, and my misefficiency.

Or maybe it just my immaturity.

maturity

2005-01-11T05:40:00.000-08:00

"Dont waste time on these useless things. Think of earning money. Do things that will earn money. Do some useful stuff dude."

If everybody does everything for earning money, or should do such, then I feel like running away from this world. Am I trying to escape reality?

have fun

2005-01-10T05:34:00.000-08:00

Pasting from http://gaurang.org/blog/index.html#a000324

One thing I have found is that its easy to live with people in some ways. For example, all that people are seeking is a nice way of having fun in life, people meet in order to have fun, and exchange lively, funny, useful conversation. Just believe in this and nothing else, and you have already solved one aspect of your life. Second is realizing the other desires of people -- like security, being loved, considered capable, some intimate company, someone to share joys and sorrows, etc. After realizing this, it should be relatively easy to interact with people in general. AND YES, I SHOULD NOT FORGET -- CONVENIENCE. People look for convenience, AND CONSERVATION OF RESOURCES.

We should learn how to manage all these coveted factors around, and we have learned to live and understand people! :)

phone calls

2005-01-10T05:23:00.000-08:00

One thing is managing phone calls. I should be able to live life in the present, and manage phone calls such that I do not get disturbed in what I am doing, and that I do not discomfort the people around me.

Learn when to take phone calls, and when to not, when to make phone calls, and how to make sure you return phone calls.

managing self

2005-01-10T04:18:00.000-08:00

One problem with me is managing myself.

I should be controlled, composed, acting only towards things that really should be done (instead of wasting time in useless things or doing useful things at the incorrect time).

This is very important.

I have lost my happiness because I have become very slow (thinking more than doing anything -- lazy?), and therefore fail to perform the necessary routine things. And these things always being in the back of my mind (i have still gotta do this, i have still gotta do that), I dont find time to do things which I like to do, or which will enrich life or make it more lively and joyous.

Thinking also has got its advantages since by thinking I have been able to infer many subtle things about life and people, and maybe have become a little wiser - although not directly -- since otherwise i would have been able to make myself happy. But thinking is only good when it is done under control -- when you are able to exercise thinking power while controlling its "when", "how much", "about what", with dexterity.

But due to my lack of control of this thinking power, basic things arent being done, and i have been falling behind in many routine mundane chores, which include my interaction with friends and family. This then reduces to even not being able to do things which I want to do, and thus an all-point-failure, and thus sorrow.

What is the cause of this?

Is it that I have just become more free here because of lack of constant control from parents/friends in India? Is it that I have lost context? Is it that I have fallen into nihilism? Is it that I have fallen into despair because of failures in action? Is it that I have fallen into despair because of failure in interaction with failure and relationships? Is it because of the masochistic tendencies wherein I take pleasure in troubling myself?

I know its all of these reasons combined in various proportions.

I am the perfect example of how much low a person can go with no particular substantial causal event.... in other words, failure of a person to keep himself happy. Well maybe there were events. But I know that I havent handled them properly.

And yes, one more problem. Complete lack of spontaneity? All of my actions are thought-generated, and none of them are spontaneous. OFCOURSE It doesnt mean that I dont have emotions but actually I have emotions, and a lot of emotions. In fact, instead of caring for my own survival, I become very emotionally attached to people. Hmm. Maybe lack of spontaneity is just because of my extra thoughts.

Hmm. Self Management. Maybe I need to do some kind of a "Personal Management" MBA or something!

ask yourself how to be happy

2005-01-10T01:31:00.000-08:00

Be silent.

Ask your heart what you really want to do, and how you can be really happy. Zoom in on the answer. Clear out unnecessary details. And then do it.

If you are happy, you will involuntarily spread happiness.

personal fulfillment

2005-01-05T01:46:00.000-08:00

From this recent entry in my thought blog:

The basic question is -- is life based on personal fulfillment worth pursuing? Personal fulfillment includes helping one and close ones gain easier lives, looking to minimize resource use (money, time, attention, actions, etc.), trying to gain happiness by ways learned by living life till today, trying to achieve self respect by using ways learned by looking at family and friends, growing, trying to make our image in the eyes of others better, etc.

This thorn in my mind is hard to get rid of.

notes for sanity

2004-12-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

now --- given my swinging moods --- i am feeling better now -- after talking and consulting with many nice people and thinking over things -- here is a hurriedly written list of things to keep in mind -- i will try updating this later -- to always serve a reference

the insecurity is normal, all people feel it
i am fit enough to lead a happy life, be happy :)
reason may not be the best way to approach the big questions of life -- attachment might be the better way -- detachment is bad. anything that makes you feel happy in the longer term is better, if psychological/philosophical reasoning isnt moving you towards that, it is bad -- yes false beliefs are okay if they make you happy -- we are in search of happiness out here and not truth -- if it makes me happy believing i have a bag of gold under bed, and i feel happy about it -- what the heck
orient towards family, and believe in God. direct all your actions towards Self & Family (S&F). get involved with the world. let the economy run. for whatever reason the world runs, its okay to consider it good that it runs, [for want of better things]
for 29$ a month, you can suppport a child in africa for life, including education, food, clothing etc. http://childafrica.org hmmm and what are you doing with your 29$?
ego is not that bad an idea, reinforcing of ego feels good (dont let your ego make other people feel bad, in fact, feel egoistic pleasure in helping other people and making them feel better)
Lets Walk Together
make making other people happy a goal of life -- (dont try to think that they also might be making the same decision, so we are revolving in circles ... ;-) ... its okay if there are circular dependencies....there will be no deadlock here... ;-) )
have fun, enjoy
believe in God, have faith, listen to Aarti, meditate, read Hanuman chalisa
get up early in the morning
exercise
listen to wonderful songs, read wonderful books (actually staying away from books would be a better idea, especially books with non-normal bent), play games!!!
if in trouble, ask for people's help, its okay :)
do better time managment, by stronger focus, and quick thinking and decision making. Present mindedness will help here

i feel that i may not be able to ever repay back this debt of wonderful help I got from people. Thanks!

This itself is something of a reason to rejoice, and makes you have more faith in life itself.

:)

Him

2004-12-10T05:51:00.000-08:00

http://gaurang.org/pub/om_jagdish_hare.mp3

When you get up in the morning and get ready, start your day, by turning on this om-jai-jagdish-hare aarti. Stand upright, close your eyes, join your hands, look down, concentrate on God. Dont think of much anything else. Try breaking your chain of thoughts. Forget about the world. God is higher than all this. Ofcourse it is difficult to do, but you will succeed a little bit. Concentrate on what is being said in the aarti, word by word. And concentrate on God.

You will experience bliss.

Then when you open your eyes, the world will look different.

The world is not about us, it is about God.

Update:

This chanting of Hare Krishna Hare Rama is wonderful too.

http://krishna.org/RealAudio/HareKrishnaRKT.ram

one other thing

2004-12-05T01:47:00.000-08:00

One other thing that made me suddenly loose hold of normality was when I started thinking about growth paths.

I found that reasons for happiness at a very significant number of situations is when people have been able to grow along their self defined growth paths. A person working in the cafe will be happy when he gets a job in a bigger, more properous cafe. A social worker will be happy when he will get to do social service in a more poor area. We will be more happy when we get higher posts within the company. Bill Gates will be happy when he posts higher growth this year than last year.

A wife will feel happy when she will be able to better manage the house, and make her child fare better at school. Grandpa will feel happy when he is able to see his grandchildren excel in life.

So the growth paths being subjectively defined, they loose all absolute meaning. So I suddenly felt that growth was a not a good reason for feeling happy. Then suddenly my whole growth path vanished under my legs. And I felt that keeping a job is not very important. Since I can change my growth path later.

When I saw my manager trying to perform well in his job, I said -- "hey look he is trying to become senior manager now". When my colleagues performed well,I said hey look this guy wants to become the manager. This with everybody. Then suddenly growth feels very non-absolute and not-the-most-important-thing.

Person Structures (PS)

2004-12-04T13:46:00.000-08:00

I am learning to recognize a few different personalities within me. Ofcourse I dont think so this is anyway related to multiple personality disorder or something. Its just the different sets of "person structures" (PS) within me, wherein a person structure consists of a particular understanding of the world situation, and a particular direction of thought and action.

I am feeling that my troubles were basically because of not recognizing those person structures. And there were being overlaps, and conflicts between these structurs which I was not able to handle. I was not understanding what I am, and had terrible identity confusion.

But now I am feeling more and more confident that I will now be able to lead a happy life, by maximizing use of inner resources. ( Yes "maximizing use of inner resources" appears to be a good way of leading a happy life -- but actually it is more a personal fulfillment objective. I will be able to personally fulfill myself. But here this personal fulfillment will contain things which actually do not belong to the personal fulfillment category. So here is something to think about ... that even the things wich are not personal fulfillment related are coming under personal fulfillment -- i might have been confused about this term then -- i will have to choose between one definition of personal fulfillment -- whether personal fulfillment should be related to actions that are done for personal survival and enjoyment, hence everything that is ego-driven, or whether personal fulfillment is related to actions which one "wants to do" regardless of whether they correlate with personal survival and personal enjoyment. For example, a person may have altruistic tendencies and even masochistic tendencies. Are these ego-driven? Where should we place them? [incomplete] )

Ok the problem with these personal structures is that people will befriend only one person structure, and then I have problems completely relating to them because only a part of me is befriending them. And I couldnt tell them the problems in the other person structures because of they were not completely aware of them. Of course, and this caused problem in relationships, also because they were confused about who I am. My thoughts and actions were did not fit a logical self. Now I will have to think of revealing to them, more clearly, that I have other personal structures present -- and also I will have to control my existence in all these personal structures very well. I will have to understand that I do have these somewhat conflicting PS's and that it is natural for me to befriend people using one PS and not others. I will have to choose, and be in general more control about myself. I think after recognizing these PS's I am feeling better about myself. In other words, I will have to do "personal structures management'", or in short "personal management", which many people are good at.

Lets dive.

Person structure 1: narcissism

This provides all the "recognition" clauses to other PS's .

Person structure 2: love, family, sacrifice, closeness, oneness, etc :recognition - "love, sympathy"

This is a structure which has been formed over a long time remaining in a family and somewhat friends as well. In this, I love everybody. I think that love is the best emotion. I feel no difference between me and everybody else. I feel one with everybody. I feel that all people's troubles are my troubles. And that I should help everybody. I like family. I like when people can coexist and be mutually happy. "Mutual growth" of happiness -- I love it. I like sacrifice, when one person sacrifices his own, in order to keep the other happy. This specializes in completely ridding myself of any ego, and just finding happiness in making other people happy. And loving them. The "self" is given so low importance here, that I almost am masochistically helping people out.
The recognition that I seek in this PS is of "love". If other people love me, I am happy. I they do not, then I am very unhappy.

Person structure 3: friends, fun, enjoyment, adventure :recognition- "recognition of ability to serve as good company to other people, people should like me frienshipwise"
In this PS, I try to enjoy, have fun, enjoy with friends, go for adventure, etc. There is no need to describe this -- everybody in the world is famililar with this.
The recognition I see in this is to want that other people like me and enjoy my company, and want to befriend me.

Person structure 4: analyzing non-technical like psychological, spiritual, philosophical : recognition based on "awe, praise"
This is a crazy PS that I have -- which is highly abnormal. Here I try to analyze everything including behavior, purpose of life, philosophy, spirituality, psychology, etc. In this I have found too many answers which are more than healthy. For example, I found out it is possible to psychologically explain why everybody wants to find a job, wants to have a family, and almost everything else that a person wants, and never thinks about why he wants that. After finding the reasons, the desires appear to be no longer attractive. I found that ego is the basic driver behind everything, and since ego is the nothing but a result of evolution because of survival, everything is pointless. In this PS I analyze philosophical and spiritual reasons as well. For example, I found out that spirituality is nothing but going towards egolessness, which requires detachment from normal societal life, since everything that is done in society is ego-based. My recent Asaramji Bapu's sadhana shibir confirmed this.

Person structure 5: analyzing technical :recognition based on "awe, praise"
This is where I enjoy logical and analytically analyzing and indulging in technology, programming, science etc. (all the normal fields) This helps me do good in jobs, and studies (if I can subside other PS's and gather some will power from PS6).

Person structure 6: surviving, ego, self, personal fulfillment, growth, meeting targets, goals, achievement, getting what you want :recognition - success, fame, ability to create a survivable environment

This is what generally is a good drive for most normal people. in my case, this has subsided recently because of my strange beliefs/conclusions from PS4. In this PS, I will do somethings like aim for things I like, perform better, grow,

Now, these days, my dominating PS's were PS1 and PS4, both of which are very harmful. I need to get back to PS6, PS5, PS3, and PS2 in order to become normal and happier.

And I need to get them into a stable and long lasting mixture, so that I become a constant person and not a person with many heads.

Now I am finding that my intense identity confusion is reducing ... and I will try to tackle the interrelationships between these PSs more swiftly.

(Is this this separation good into PSs? Will this be a problem? Is a unified self better, like most people are?)

(incomplete)

2004-12-04T02:29:00.000-08:00

I actually am feeling stronger now.

I am not feeling very alone now.

I am talking with people.

People are helping me out. People are replying. Thanks a lot every body..... I mean this is the normal thanks... this is something real....something straight from my heart - Thanks.

Life is great.

There are a few more people that I want to talk to.

After I have talked with everybody about my depression, then I will be freer, and I will feel better.

And hopefully I will in a better shape of things than earlier, and I will learn how to relate with people, and have a better understanding of what life is about. :)

For those non-existent readers who are not reading the Thought Blog, I will link to a recent entry in that blog. This is one of those things which feels nice when read.

http://gaurang.org/blog/2004_12_01_archive.html#110211523998739238

hello

2004-12-04T01:50:00.000-08:00

i ran after this
i ran after that
in this race of superiority,
in this race of proving yourself,
in this race of getting ahead,
in this race of this, in this race of that,

i am now tired.

I now want to sit, relax and say hello to people around me.

[ofcourse this habit of writing to blogs and maintaining a website will be the toughest narcissistic habit that I will have tocrack, it might turn out to be the last one that I crack - it will be tough -- i will have to create a very supportive, nurturing and emotionally fulfilling environment directly around me which will give me the will power to rejoice and enjoy in the present rather than talking to this invisible and non-present reader for emotional feedback]

off that showy platform

2004-12-04T01:49:00.000-08:00

Why I was finding it difficult to tell everybody that I was fired because of low performance was because I had been trying to form relationships with people based on display of intelligence -- by creating an image. When I talk with people, I try to show that I am smart -- the why of this is ofcourse covered in the early postings in this blog (d&d) -- and then try to create friendships based on this image that I created.

Now how can I tell that I am fired because the platform my friendships rest on is to be taken away?

Now I am learning that this whole method was wrong.

Friendships should not be formed on these "imagy" platforms. Friendships are emotional connections between people for mutual support, love, caring -- they form, because after all, everybody wants just the same things as everybody else: a nice, happy life, filled with some amounts of togetherness, love, fun, personal fulfillment, attachments.

Now that I am telling people about my firing from my job -- I am feeling better. Much better. It relaxes me to feel now that I dont have to create or maintain that showy platform any more. The friendship will now be based on a new idea, a new paradigm. It will now be based on growing together, being colleague in this long torturous as well as rewarding journey.

Lets do the best we can. :-)

truth should be told, and reasons for getting fired

2004-12-03T03:00:00.000-08:00

I think enough is enough. I will try to stop Lying about my job loss now. I cant bear the guilt of lying to people that I was laid off or that I quit my job.

I was fired ... and thats that.....

To get more insight you can refer to these conversations --

http://www.gaurang.org/pub2

Now I will try to tell the truth to as many people as possible.

i feel

2004-11-20T04:14:00.000-08:00

i feel that i cannot do even what everybody is able to do. people create self-sustaining and nurturing environment around them. i have failed in that fundamental way. I have completely failed.

i feel i have not been able to grow. people follow a growing path. i have failed to do that. i have not gotten better at doing anything. i have not become more responsible. i have not become more capable of accomplishing tasks. i have not been able to form friendships and relationships with other people and form a world where people grow with each other.

i havent been able to connect with people.

i havent been able to take care of myself.

i havent been able to take strides with people and be growingly successful.

there is a whole machinery in the world here, the groundwork is already laid out, you should be able to do this, and then this, and then this, and then this. If you fail anywhere along the way, you are considered a failure in life.

of course the system is not that bad. the system supports if you start failing a little, all people you know will try to help you and get you into a bettter position. But then if you start failing too much, then you are gone. The support systems will suddenly cease to exist and you will fall apart. You have failed to follow the machination.

i havent been able to keep myself happy. i havent been able to take care of myself.

i have found that whether you are able to lead a good life depends on whether you are able to form good, mature, nurturing, healthy relationships with people around you. This factor determines whether you are able to lead a happy life, and actually even whether you are successful in your work and life (though that also depends a little bit on some other factors as well).

if you cant relate, you are gone.

i cant even talk to people. i dont know what to talk. nobody wants to listen to me. since i am mostly boring. i dont have anything to say.

i am afraid of holidays because i worry i will not be able to find ways to enjoy.

i dontknow how to enjoy, and i dont know how to find happiness.

in fact i am a masochist, i try to make things as worse as possible. in that i get some sort of a "kick". every problem is a result of this. inspite of all flaws, if I just wouldnt have been a masochist, then i would have tried to make myself better, and tried to create myself happy. but my masochism is very strong, and everything fades before that

nobody likes me. that is not their fault. it is not just one person. it is everybody. it is because i am unlikeable. simply. this is not to attract sympathy -- not asking for people to say, "you know what, you are not that bad...."

my brain cant even think straight. It has lots of thoughts going on, most of which are meaningless and purposeless, and basically nonsense.

my attitudes are wrong. i am a narcissist.

i am an egotist as well. I dont want to mix with people. I am a snobbish little person with no use to society.

There is no drive behind me...

here i have failed to form a support system, which will support me.

at this point, if somebody else would have been in my situation, with all my incapabilites, dumbness, dullness, flaws, self-created problems, etc then maybe they would have committed suicide. but i am such an insensitive little kid that i dont even want to do that.

i take pleasure in problems.

i have just not been able to get up soon for the past few months. i was fired from my job due to this. i cant accomplish anything.
i used to miss the bus 3 times a day...my brain just doesnt listen. it just doesnt

Commune - new blog

2004-11-18T13:43:00.000-08:00

Anouncing my new blog -- Commune -- this will be a normal blog, wherein I will write conventional stuff - like my life, whats happenning, etc.

Finding yourself...

2004-11-18T02:38:00.001-08:00

(I wrote this in the afternoon. I am not as positive now as I was when I wrote this, but its better than before. Lets see what happens.)

After months of depression, and going and running around looking for something I dont know what, I have finally, it seems, found out what I was looking for. Maybe I was too dumb, and slow, but I feel I have finally found it. I have finally found the context of my life. Or rediscovered it, maybe with new angles never looked from before. Such is the miracle of life

I think that I was completely disoriented... I didnt know what I am, and what I was looking for. I was trying to look happy, and found short-time pleasures in certain activities. Like putting my mind into thought, some times on some important or non-important logical problem, but on most other times, in some random, purposeless mess of repressed emotions, desired situations that never happenned, vicariously experiencing emotions from imagination-enriched realities, frustrations, repeatedly diving into black holes (that pulls and pulls, and does not let you get away) of feelings of extreme low self esteem and extreme depression and extreme lack of motivation and purpose, nihilism, extreme indirection, etc.

I used to cry for 30 minutes daily for the past several months. And even for the remaining 23 hours 30 minutes, just try to suppress it.

Today I want to dance, today I want to sing, today I want to run out, today I want to jump in the air, today I want to fly, today I want to meet people, today I want to talk to people, today I want to live this life, today I have the energy to spend effort making my and other's lives better, today I know where I am, today I know where I am going, today I know where I want to go.

The machination that is the mind -- its easy to get it going on weird ways. There are just so many ways you can take it to, but unless there is the heart that drives it, everything that you do will be pointless.

READING YOUR HEART AND FOLLOWING WHAT IT SAYS IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE.

Yes.

The key is to hold your reality firmly. The key is to remember every person you know on this planet every day. The key is to know what you want to do.

I was crying, in a depressed condition, and was trying to remember old times. All memories went before me. My mother laughing and crying with me. My father trying to make everybody in the family happy. The whole joint family trying to keep the family going forward, to prosper, to grow. My brothers and sisters. My friends. Their families. I remembered the whole thing. I suddenly started seeing myself. I got my life back.

I had forgotten everything. I had made my life hell. I had wiped off the whole history and context of life. Most people are able to maintain their context, I was not. The context that one gets by living 20-odd years of life in a family. Maybe I was seeing too many different kinds of lives here, maybe it was some internal problems such as ego, or maybe I was just too dumb.

I found out that I was most happy with my family at home. I found that I am only happy when I am able to make my family happy. I am only happy when I can make my mother, and father, happy. I am only happy when I can make my family happy.

Coming here, and chasing jobs, and job descriptions is chasing yourself. Unless you know the purpose of your chase, it is meaningless.

And the nice point is that if you are happy, and know how you can make yourself happy, your happiness spreads to others automatically. You make friends and relationships, and people around you feel good, and you then in turn feel good yourself.

[I hate writing now, since it is impossible to maintain the emotional context and mood during the whole writing. And writing makes you take your mental resources in way which is not orthogonal to those that maintain your emotional state. Oh I wish, I could just speak what I feel and this automatically writes it for you --- actually I think that converting the non-linear emotions to linear structured words is a difficult thing to do. Language shouldnt have been like this. The way of writing should have been something like pictures or something where one would express his/her emotions by using some beautiful looking curves which will sustain and naturally emit those emotions]

it feels

2004-11-16T23:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it feels like all the steps that I took my whole life have been in the wrong direction,
sometimes it feels that I havent actually moved from where I started,
where all people crossed mountains, and reached the next valley,
i am still sitting here staring at the way sometimes, staring at the people going forward sometimes
maybe I dont have legs, or maybe I do, but my brain doesnt let them run.

another attempt at problems and solutions

2004-11-15T01:45:00.000-08:00

--- thinking about what others are thinking of me, and then either thinking too highly of myself because there will be feelings of awe in them for me -- - or thinking too lowly of myself because there will be negative feelings in them for me. One giving superiority complex and other giving inferiority complex. Both are bad. I need to learn to just be happy instead of keeping on comparing myself with others.

The mantra being --

"I am ok. You are ok. We both are trying to live a good life here."

I should be able to tone down these feelings even though I will not be able to solve the nihilistic component of the problem.

feeling highly doesnt cause a lot of problems, though feeling lowly does cause.

So basically I am tacking two problems here ---
-- one of feeling very lowly, and thus feeling very depressed and feeling worthless. Extreme low self-esteem
-- nihilism, where I am finding no reason to do anything, and finding everything pointless.

The extreme low self-esteem problem should be targetted first. The nihilism problem will persist, only I should learn to live with it, or invent a hack to get around it. But I cannot deny nihilism here.

The extreme low self esteem though might go, if I improve my thought flow.

The thought flow should not keep revolving in the head, and must efficiently flow. For example, I must not keep thinking about the same things again and again. And must learn to let thoughts flow, and pass.

So --- action points ---

let thoughts flow and pass, dont let them accumulate. So that I can acheive better task execution
using task execution powers gained by the last point, finish all tasks, and feel good about yourself. finish all that you want to do. use these 24 hours to accomplish all what I want to do. If all is not possible, then schedule and prioritize them.
believe in "I am OK. You are OK. We are all here for finding happiness." mantra.
after these 3 points are executed, feel better about yourself, and thus counter extreme low self esteem that I have been finding.
concentrate on people and relationships, ask for help and support and also provide it thus creating mutual friendships and mutual groups for emotional support and growth.
after the relationships problem is solved, find habits that I like to do, so I feel good about myself, and feel growth
after these things are done, maybe I wont have time to pay attention or importance to nihilism. I will have to learn to avoid thinking about it.

problems and solutions

2004-11-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

I am now kind of identifying the key problems from a practical perspective (instead of only thinking from a psychological perspective) . I can target these problems directly then:

-- masochistic tendencies: I need to identify as soon as they occur. As soon as I find any desires/tendencies/leanings towards things that are not good for me, I need to stop, realize them, and curb them at that point itself.

-- need to organize my own stuff, so that I can do whatever I want to do: due to my time mismanagement and my masochistic tendencies, I have not been able to do things which I want to do, and thus it instills a sense of failure in me, and then I become depressed, I am not even able to complete my necessary activities and keep failing in everything; the logic being that if I competently do and complete things which I actually want to do , then I will automatically feel better about myself.

-- put a time gap in the end: do all things before the deadline. So that I dont feel failure at not being able to completet things because of my procrastination and putting them at the end of time, because of which I frequently fail in completing tasks or at time entirely skip over them

-- friends and family are important to me - if I am able to make them happy, then I should consider myself successful and be happy - always follow that Mother Meera quote :

"I suggest that you do your job and your duties wholeheartedly and joyfully, and bring peace and happiness in your family and in your surroundings; do Japa, the chanting or repeating of the name of God, and ask for whatever you want, and you will recieve it." - Mother Meera

-- I need to talk with my family and friends a little more, make sure I have enough time to call them and help and seek help from them. I should be able to complete my own chores faster so that I have time for this. Hmm. this is actually a strong motivation to complete my chores faster. So that I have time to do things what I want to do, and be able to interact more with friends and family, and spread happiness.

-- dont try to prove that you are smart and can handle everything. Ask For Help, If You Need It. This is a basic thing I have realized over these past few days, when I was fired from my job. When you need help, dont try to prove that you are a tough person and can handle everything. Let more emotions come through. Dont try to conceal a lot of your emotions. After all, emotions are everything; ego and toughness are just impedicles. If you feel lonely, call your friend and tell them I am feeling lonely, and that you would like to talk with them. Dont feel lonely, and just keep crying, and thinking that I have failed to keep myself happy. ACT ABOUT IT. SOLVE PROBLEMS. Remember that thing in the last post? Add a suffix: "and so how can I solve this problem?" to every negative statement that you make about yourself. This has the added positive advantage of feeling that actually all problems are solvable.

-- the goal is not fame. You can be happy without fame. there is no need of a website telling thousands of people what you feel. Fame, ego are not that important. Only emotions of love and caring are. Only friends and relatives are. Only actual living people are. And Actually Acting Things Out in The Real World Is More Important Than Just Writing Stuff On The Web Where Noone Reads. Creating An Image Is Not Important - Being Happy Is More Important. Be In The Present.

-- you were more happy when you followed what regular people do. When you tried to be totally different (was it ego?) and develop your own theories and refuse to follow other people and thought about other people as foolish (Hmm, interesting. Do I really feel that other people are foolish? Here is some thing contradictory happenning. My depression's one big reason was extreme low self-esteem. The other one was philosophical nihilism. How can these two coexist. Because believing in nihilism implies that I am considering all other people as foolish since they DO NOT believe in nihilism. If I think I am dumb then I should follow other people, and not be nihilist. Hmm. There is something here. Maybe the ego is fighting it out here. The ego does not want to accept that I am as foolish as other people since they are not belieivng in nihilism. But then I get depressed because I think I am failing in all aspects of life. And therefore consider myself very lowly, and fall into extreme low self-esteem. Hmm. actually why I am failing in everything may be because of nihilism. Because of nihilism, I am thinking that all normal life is pointless, and therefore not having any motivation to be good, and act as per society. Thats why failing in everything, and then feeling depressed because I cannot do what normal people can do. I will have to think about -- I will have to make a decision here -- whether to believe in nihilism or not? If yes, then I should not be depressed about anything, and accept that I will fail in everything. If no, then I should get back on track, and understand life as I used to see it before -- which blended with all cultural values. Even stroking the ego, by rising higher and higher in job positions in companies, or by earning more and more money, or by getting into more and more selective positions, must be considered acceptable. Can I make a life, where these three things are not accepted, and yet I live a normal life? That will mean, a saint or something. But I am not a saint either, since I dont have a a very strong inclination towards God and I dont have much knowledge either. Seems like I can solve this problem first, and other problems will be easier to solve after this is solved. I have to make a decision here -- whether to believe in what others are beleiving in or not. )

-- dont try to distract mind to everything. Think simply. Dont think too complex. Think about what I want to do, and then do it. Dont keep wandering. These days I am thinking like this -- think about what to do, start doing another thing, and then start doing another thing, and then not finding time for what I started to do, and then not doing the secondary activities I started in the middle to completion as well... ..so basically ending up doing nothing to completion.

PLAN AND EFFORT IS NECESSARY.

-- Most importantly, have a regular sleep schedule. Try meditation, hanuman chalisa reading. Try to concentrate on God, and meditate. Relax

-- Dont take life too big. Take is small. Decrease the number of things you want to do. Understand that simple and unknown life is also good if you are able to be happy, and spread happiness around. Always remember Meera's quote.

-- Take a print out of this note, and read it again and again slowly, and then try actually carrying out what is written here to completion

-- Take help. Talk. The world is here to help you, as my boss at Paypal used to say.

sitting around

2004-10-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here and waiting...
Looking over one shoulder, and then another,

Waiting for somebody to come and ask me,
hey gaurang, how are you?

but as usual, i will blurt out, "I am OK!",
and that may as well be the end of the conversation...!

I have created a world around me,
that is completely removed from reality,

though it has the same people,
they look different in here

even if I should have been happy,
I end up with melancholy here,

the real world wants to be happy,
and I, in my world, want to cry,

the real world wants to be rich, successful, and famous,
and I, in my world, am left with no motivation whatsoever.

I'm happy

2004-10-25T01:39:00.000-07:00

I may dare to say that I am somewhat mildly happy at the moment.

What I have been doing/thinking in the last few days:
- You have to take a little pains. Look at everybody around you. They dont have it easy. They dont have everything given to them as it should be. They work for it. They have enery and enthusiasm to create a world around them that works for them. They have to really kick up the energy and go to work, take care of family and friends, and make a happy and nurturing environment for them and the people around them. THEY HAVE TO WORK FOR IT. Focus, and work!
- I now add this suffix to each statement that I say about my problems and make myself depressed about it -- I add ", so how do I solve this problem?". Even when I say this suffix, and it doesnt help out my problems -- I even add this suffix to that statement. So you know what, I have created this exponentially lifting statement -- I had got fed up of exponentially depressing statements! So this exponentiall lifting statement....

"..., so how do I solve this problem?"

thoughts as a means for ego

2004-10-16T03:23:00.000-07:00

I live in thoughts. I cant communicate properly. I cannot express myself. I cannot connect with myself. In other words, a complete looser with life.

But, my ego says that I possess "thoughts". Not that they are very good or marvellous something, but they are the only thing I have. So it is not ready to come out of it. My mind keeps thinking. Thinking. Maybe it feels its own existence manifested in it. It can obtain its sense of identity and a presence only from these thoughts, since other things in life have been stifled and are just unable to grow and nurture normally.

So it wants to keep a record of it, and wants to show it to others. Hence this and the other blog.

Masochistic Personality Disorder

2004-10-14T05:26:00.000-07:00

Add one more to the list of disorders that fit me perfectly. This is also completely "textbook" -- almost every word written on this page fits me precisely.

http://www.geocities.com/ptypes/masochisticpd.html

2004-10-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

I really want to take care of myself. I really do. I really want to take care of myself. I want to.

I want to take care of myself.

I want to take care of myself.

I want to take care of ymself

I wany to take care of myself/

I want to ttake care of myself.

I want to take care of ymself.

i want to take care of myself.

I want o taek care of my self
w

I wawnt ot take care ofm ysefl

I want to take care of myself.

I wany to teha cre of myself

I want to take care of myself.

I want tot take care of myself

I want to crae of myself

I want o tak care of myself

I want to take care fo myself

I should take care of yself

I should yak ecare of myself

I should take care of myself

I should take care of myself
I should take care of myself

talking skills

2004-09-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

My natural self is suppressed a lot. Why do I always try to "be" something whenever I talk to people. My talking skills have alsmost got onto a point which is so low that I have nt seen anything like it before from anybody. I have just forgotten to talk. Especially with new people. With people who are already my friends, my condition is deteriorating but it is still okay. It might get affected also though. With new people, though, the ones whom I met after joining this job 6 months ago, in the company, I have been a very complete looser. I havent been able to make friends with anybody, because going to anybody i start thinking about "what should I say to him", "what is he thinking about me", "I know I cant mix, oh i am in such a bad situation", "what should I say", "what do people say", "what do people want", "why am i flawed", etc. Low-esteem as never seen before in the history of humanity? ;)

I SHOULD DIE....................

I mean, how can I go on like this? Shall I change my company? This weekend I am seriously thinking of seeing a psychotheraphist/psychologist. Lets see how they are. I cant see, however, how another person can solve my problem. I know most about myself, only I should be the best person to solve my problems. How can I tell the doctor everything about myself - everything that is written in this blog , and everything that is not? I will never be able to gather everything and tell him a coherent pciture.

God should not let anybody go through this phase.

AND EVERYTHING IS MOSTLY DUE TO MY MASOCHISM. I AM DELIBERATELY TRYING TO CREATE AND MAINTAIN PROBLEMS FOR MYSELF. I AM NOT ATTEMPTING TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. I AM ENJOYING MY PROBLEMS. WHICH IS A NOT SO GOOD THING.

MASOCHISM ==== BAD LIFE.

If you have masochistic tendencies, drop them now, or you are headed to hell.

2004-09-19T05:19:00.000-07:00

For a while I can be such a nice and comely person. People would want to come and meet, talk with me, if they see me then.

And then, due to some thought, after a while, that comes along my mind based on some intense distillation of the surroundings, brings me down to the knees, and then, I fall apart. Stop talking. Dont know what to say. Become D&D. Become repulsive. People would not want to come within some feet of me. Or some miles?

Due to the second state, I think I have been involved in causing other people to come to depression. I can see atleast 4 people that have become depressed because of me.

Dont come near me!!!!

bad things grow fast

2004-09-16T15:05:00.000-07:00

If you are not happy with yourself, you tend to behave not very well with others. The others may not understand that this is because you are not happy with *yourself*, they may mistake it that you are not happy with *them* or are simply *rude*, and this will further amplify the first cause - of not being happy with yourself.

Why all negative things in the world have to be self-reinforcing, and exponentially growing?

problems

2004-09-16T14:41:00.000-07:00

As my boss said, "Recognizing a weakness is only the first step. Second is to actually solve it. Dont stop at the first"

some self notes (Incomplete)

2004-09-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

Actually it is not necessary to find reasons for everything. When I see a person, I should not always try to reduce his behavior to patterns. I should not always try to find reasons or motivations for his behavior. I am getting distracted from the normal process. The normal process of looking from where you are -- just be where you are - and feel things - and feel about people - and form relationships. Imagine people as nice "people", and not nice "behavior generators".

BELIEVE in free will. Believe that people actually have a will, and can choose how to be.

BELIEVE in what you have learned since childhood. For example, if you like cricket, then dont say that "Oh it is just a pattern formed under these circumstances and surroundings, and it is satisfy this and this raw tendencies of a person." Instead say that "I like cricket. Lets watch it. Lets play it."

http://www-scf.usc.edu/~gkhetan/blog/2004_08_01_archive.html#109257164278847541

Actually my ego saying that - "See I have found out so different and so intelligent ways to look at life. See I exist. Though I am not able to convey my personality in practice, see I have one - you can look at my electronic life - emails, website, blogs. And see I am so smart and philosophical that I have found new ways of looking at life that generally nobody does. I am one of a kind. "

This ego hurts me a lot. I should just give up all this ego, and try looking at life believing that "I am just one of a kind of 6 billion people. I am common. I am the usual. I should follow others."

And also my masochistic tendencies hurt me the most. The egoistic tendency mentioned above is just one manifestation of my overwhelming masochistic tendency. Tendency of getting late deliberately. Not sleeping early. Not taking it easy.

(Incomplete)

External Behavior 7

2004-09-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Good in the beginning, then loosing track because of lack of ability to have constant attention or indiscipline, and feeling out-of-place and feeling not in conformance with everyone.

life is simple?

2004-09-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

It should be simple ... Basically I have to figure out the following:

- what I want
- how I become happy
- how can I make others happy
- though happiness only is a result of a flawed image of life in general, it is not bad to have a flawed image if you get happiness from it

As Mother Meera said -- "Do your job and duties joyfully and wholeheartedly. Try to bring peace and happiness in your family and in your surroundings. And repeat the name of God often." (I dont remember exact words, but the meaning is same.)

This quote can be used a HOW-TO for life. And after this, sometimes I think, no other advise is actually necessary. Nothing else is important. You just need to do this.

Yes, life is actually that simple.

abnormality (Incomplete)

2004-09-10T03:09:00.000-07:00

And not doing this, is what is bad.

I am trying to look at things in such a different way that I have forgotten the norm, and I am failing in normal things.

My workplace situation couldnt have been worser. I have completely failed to form relationships in the company, even professional. My social skills, and even basic human skills which are like "talking" -- I have lost and forgotten. I have trouble thinking "normally". When I want to excel, I think that why am I trying to boast my ego here. Why am I trying to form a identity here which is based on ego and survival, which are mundane and meaningless things. Though, yes, ego helps you in survival, this then removes all meaning
(Incomplete)

actually make sure that

2004-09-10T01:18:00.000-07:00

I think I need to forget about all this for a while, and sincerely concentrate on survival. I will have to develop interest in it, I will have to really make myself believe that survival is actually important, and that I myself actually want to intend to make all my actions better my survival.

I want to actually make sure that I have the groceries, that my room is clean, that I have clean clothes, that I make sure I pay all the credit card payments on time, make sure that I know enough about the area so that I can make the best out of it, try to do everything the best way, and to find optimal paths in everything I do, so that I can enjoy better success, fulfill more of my dreams and desires, and be happy for the time I am here, uhhhhh, even though I have no reason to be.

I want to actually make sure that I want happiness, and that I will pursue situations, people and things which make me happy. In other words, I will have to make the effort to reach my own happiness. Yes, really I will have to do this.

things that cheer me up

2004-09-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

I need to find things I like, that make me happy, and track them down, follow them, do them.

For example:
- some melodious, emotional songs, both english and hindi
- finding that other people like me
- reading quotes, for example on my quotes page - http://gaurang.org/quotes
- surfing for information - http://gaurang.org/bookmarks/xbel.html
- being around, within people...elevated, happy people

I will add to the list later.

who am i 2

2004-08-20T16:02:00.000-07:00

Or maybe my aggressive, non-caring mode is an adaptive behavior I came into -- to behave like others do, to more conform to other people -- but couldnt exactly mimic it.

I hope its like that.

I hope I am good. ;)

whoooo am i

2004-08-20T15:51:00.000-07:00

AT THIS MOMENT, I am on a high. Not caring for other people, looking after my own ends. Using people to achieve what I want to. Feeling good.

Today morning I was very sad, lost in search of what I want to do in life. Very confused due to the differing life views... and everybody having so many differing but not wrong ways of looking at life and directions to go to.

WHO AM I? Am I former or the latter?

CANT I FEEL GOOD AND BE GOOD TO OTHER PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME?????????????????????????????

(maybe i am too rude on the inside... and then people rejected me...and then I became contemplative)

Knowing things

2004-08-18T01:54:00.000-07:00

Many times I have had to hear this: "Hey you still dont know this?"...

This has instilled fear in me...and I now think whenever relevant circumstances arrive - "Oh! I think I should have known this by now, but due to my dumbness I dont. Now lets pretend that I know this." And then this pretension often fails. And they come to know that I dont know, and I feel really bad and stupid. Then I never come to know that thing in good detail, and even for other things, when my pretension succeeds, I never end up learning much about that thing.

[This fear has "action" harms - just to prove that I am not dumb (ya again) I try to find things on my own, like Internet or reading manuals, and then show the others that I have found this - I have found that. That I am normal. This is sometimes taken as rude, since I try to prove that I am smart, which is liked by nobody in general.]

The right approach seems to be: "Oh sorry I dont know. I am good and normal enough to have known it, but I just didnt happen to be in the circumstances that I will come to know this thing. Please can you tell me this thing? See understand that by my proactive approach of asking such things, I usually end up knowing many things that are needed to be known by people of our age and circumstances, and thus I am a capable person. Over time, you will come to know from me some other things which you wont know. Thus I am valuable, and we are all similar people, I am one of them. Please tell me".

This approach usually ends up better, because the other people explains about that thing, and you come to know it in detail. (And thus how memes are preserved and conveyed in groups)

what i think

2004-08-18T01:24:00.000-07:00

It is funny how I can do my stuff based on what I think others are thinking about me. This is hugely embedded in me.

For example, even in this blog, I dont write as though nobody else is going to read it. But I tend to write as believing that somebody is reading this, and I unconsciously tend to imagine and cautiosly build an image in him for me.

Thats why I am so unlikeable.

BECAUSE I DONT EVEN THINK OF MYSELF. I think of others, but that is in a dysfunctional way, BECAUSE MOST OF MY THOUGHTS ARE DIRECTED TOWARDS KNOWING WHAT OTHERS ARE THINKING ABOUT ME, AND HOW CAN CREATE A PARTICULAR IMAGE HE HAS OF ME.

This is narcissism at its peak.

failure

2004-08-18T01:17:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to see how I reach that point everyday. The point where I begin to feel that I am retarded, incompetitent, unable to take care of myself, worthless, and hence a complete failure.

It seems I have bipolar -- in a day I pass through these two phases atleast one time each -- one phase where I am very happy, love everyone, want to mix with everyone, and actually a little sociable...

And the other one is, well...

I should live with it.

One thing is sure, I like to cry. And this might even be genetic, I think my mother also loves to cry.

But cyring is somehow associated with love....I think crying is when you need support, and loving means exchange of happiness, as well as support.

Crying is also associated with the emotions we percieve in tunes. But that theory I will later write about in my other blog.

time to solve problems

2004-08-15T23:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, I will take it one step at a time. Slowly.

I wont try to solve all of my problems at once.

From the "Just For Today" verse present on my Quotes page, these parts of it are relevant to me right now:

Just For Today
Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
Just for today, I will be happy.
Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous.
Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful.

Basically I have to plan and solve all problems slowly.

I will take it more slowly than I earlier planned.

Here is plan for the first week:
- I will maintain a daily schedule - of getting up early. Getting to job early. Not think too much. Ok I am deficient. But I will consider that I am not deficient for a while. I will try to think what I really want to think, and not think about what others are thinking about me. I will assume that I am happy, and ok, not that bad.

Ok again, this is expanding to include a lot of things.

I will try to make it simple so it is achievable.

I will only do this this weekend:
- Get up early. Come to work on time. Concentrate on work. Dont think much about anything else. You dont have to talk to all people. Just concentrate on work. Eat nice lunch with some people in the company. Get back and concentrate on work. Finish work. Go home, eat dinner. Watch TV. Read for half an hour the meditation book. And then sleep nicely.
DONTS: Dont think much about anything. Just concentrate on these basic things. Dont worry. Just dont think. This week, I will not be enforcing what I have to think about and how I have to think about. I am just telling that NOT think much about anything. That should be easier to do. Just dont think much. Dont think about any other problems. I will get back to my problems on Thursday evening to keep track of progress.

Ok lets keep this day fixed. Every thursday evening, I will sit down and see what progress I have made in solving the problems, and make a plan for the coming week. On other days, I wont think much about the problems and how will I solve them. I will just take it easy.

The keyword is Just take it easy. And then lets see how it goes on Thursday evenings. I am not telling you to be happy or anything. I am just telling you to not to think much about any problems or any things. Just keep it easy.

Ok Bye.

a kind of life

2004-08-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

People have so many friends. I dont.

People are so happy. I am not. I havent been able to make myself happy even when there are no external bad circumstances. This is a very fundamental thing that I am failing in - just keeping myself happy.

I know many people. But not all of them are very cheerful about talking to me. Or wanting to talk to me.

I lack the cultural background. Every person has a fixed way of life that they seek - mostly derived from their parents ways of life, which are, in some cases, culturally derived from within the cultural group.

They know what kind of life they want. There are particular ways of seeking happiness in each of them... Each of them likes the type of life they are seeking. They want a life with some particular ways of doing things - like for example, when somebody comes from India, somebody else must go and pick him up from the airport and give him food. This is a choice for a particular way of doing things. My brother and bhabhi I am living with, came down from India, and I did not clean the house, did not prepare food for them. I realized this when I had got them from the airport to the house. It is the way the society works. If I had done them, they would have felt happy, they would have felt welcomed. Instead the house was in a messy state, I didnt prepare food for them, some of their friends brought it in.

I dont kwow what kind of life I want.

I have analysed things so much that I have forgotten what I want.

I am in so much of a absent-minded state, that I forget the present, but probably it is because I am sad? No might not be. Since I was absent-minded when I was not sad too. Because of absent-mindedness I miss a lot of life. In the present, I am thinkign about the past and the future. Past never comes back, and when future comes, I am again thinking of past and future. So I end up having experienced nothing.

GAURANG, BE PRESENT-MINDED. PLEASE.

afraid

2004-08-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

I am afraid of people. I am afraid of what people would say. I am afraid that people wouldnt like what I do or what I say. And this fear makes me do exactly the things they wouldnt like.

Its a strange but familiar situation. This fear causes situations which cause the fear to sustain. So it is not possible to come out of it. One way that looks good is to pretend that such a situation does not exist, and so get the fear out and then hope that such situation will never occur again.

But this is not easy.

With a non-existent courage, with a non-existent confidence, with a non-existent will, with non-existent anxiousness, I hope I will be better someday.

new relationships

2004-08-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

I have now lost ability to form new relationships. I dont know whether I had that earlier. But I believe that I had some of it.

Now I have lost it. I cant make friends with anybody now.

I feel alone and lost.

I cant correlate with people - I am rude - I dont know any manners - I dont know what friends do - I dont know why people become friends - I am totally gone.

My heart tells me, there *must* be some people who are like me. But the mind tells me there are not. I havent seen any body so inferior such as me. Really. This is not a joke. This is not an exaggeration. All the people I have laid my eyes upon in my life, be it in the streets, I havent found a person worser than me.

All people should stop talking to me, and kick me out of society.

failure

2004-08-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

everywhere everybody is feeling disappointed with me. Everbody is asking - he should have atleast done this, why didnt he?

not able to meet everybody's expectations

friends asking for replies to emails, some very important emails, not able to give

familty asking to remain in touch, do certain things, take care of my life, ... a lot of things.. able to meet none..

company ppl expecting to me to do the job well...not doing it...

different people in different areas of my life are expecting something from me, and I havent been able to meet any of that.

I have become a complete failure in life.

External Behavior 6

2004-08-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

never asking for help from other people - trying to do everything on my own - and then failing to do so because it is actually impossible to work all alone(isnt it?) - and failing into desperate situations where helping would be really difficult - and then falling into "gain symptathy" mode.

mutual fun or support

2004-08-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

when i make a relationship -- i unconsciously think of how i can help him with his weaker side ... i wish that this guy must be having some sad corners...bad life circumstances...that i can emotionally support...

probably because i can be more intimate with people only i can support their weaker sides that need emotional support..

when i think of befriending people for sharing joys then i repell back and my mind develops fears that i might not be able to increase his joy because i have incompetencies... i dont know how to get fun, and happiness, and so i wont be able to share and increase mutual fun which most friendships do.

This alien world

2004-08-05T20:54:00.000-07:00

I was familiar with a world where people used to base their life on love and emotional support. Along with some narcissism.

Now I am in a world where people are mature, survival-oriented and fun-oriented. Less love, and less narcissism.

This sure feels alien.

day to day 1

2004-08-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

my day to day behavior has become quite bad - I always have this fear: "I am not normal"; "I do not belong here"; "I wont be able to cope up with the group"; "I will never be a normal part of the group"; "I have failed in life"; "I can never cope up with life"; "I will be outcast and always be so", etc.

sometimes though, I become happy, and then these things dont matter. I then get a lot of drives, mostly related to why I and other people are the same entity - all people's emotions are my emotions, and mine are theirs. At this point, I usually drop individual boundaries, and try to come close to people. (Whereas in the above other mood, I was trying to run away from people as much as I can.) I like this mood. Belonging to people, and feeling they are all one is a nice feeling.

resolution 1

2004-07-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

I cant be hanging like this for a long time. I need to come up with some resolutions to these problems, and live life.

Lets start:
- with whatever I am, whoever I am, with all of my problems, deficiencies, incompetencies, and bad behavior patterns, I am a person, I need to live a good, happy life, and spend a nice time with my friends and relatives. I have to take care of myself and lot many other people - my parents, my siblings, my cousins, my to-be family, etc. I need to learn how to live a good life, and live it. I need to be hard, strong, and fight life out. I need to find ways out of problems. I have to take life as a responsibility, a difficult one at that, to live life out. Lets smile and be ready for the battle with a renewed spirit that never goes down, and keeps fighting against all odds and ends. The spirit of life - the determination to live a happy life.

Laugh, listen to melodious songs, and continue.

normal

2004-07-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

How I wish I could be socially normal as other people. Another part of the brain says: Shut up, dont even try, you can never ever be.

work

2004-07-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

Its just not about acceptance and fun and recognition, its about work too. You should be serious and do work sometimes. Get things done. And be practical and live a nice life.

social conventions

2004-07-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

Heck people have so many particular ways of doing things, that I have to make to a huge effort to just be compliant and I usually fail.

I don’t know how other guys do it.

I guess I think a lot before doing anything, whereas other people are just "doing" and not thinking. And their "without thinking" has closely aligned with social conventions over time.

But for people like me who view social conventions with questions like "why" and "how did it originate" and "why does it continue to be", etc, social conventions become like a "thing" and do not become transparently actable. They have to be "acted."

going blank

2004-07-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I will just stare blankly at empty space...and my thoughts will keep revolving around one tiny thing. Mostly about what people think about others. Mostly about taking decisions - if I take this decision then what will people think about me, what image will they have of me, if I do that, then? Mostly they are frustrations. Since I cannot act immediately in present time, because of my absent-mindedness or a very slow brain, many of the actions that I actually do are not what I really wanted to. So I recall situations, and think - if I would have done this, then they would have thought of me as a better person - and then I go on imagining pairs of my actions and their reaction to that in terms of formations of an image of me, and thats it.

This is it.

These kinds of thoughts, keep revolving around my brain, and almost bring my brain to a paralysis.

And these has become such a normal thing, that I very often tend to go into this state. And then I have to tell myself to come out to this real world.

But at other times, when I am in the present, and happy, I tend to behave quite normally; though, I cant make anyone believe that I am completetly normal? You will always find quirkyness, absent-mindedness, etc even when I am in the "normal" mode. But this is still bearable, and that much quirkiness is fine.

And yes one more thing - I noticed this - "going into a blank state" behavior during my 7th std. I dont know why. I suddenly started liking to think and started going to blank states.

Now lets get back to work. :)

wanting acceptance and recognition and attention

2004-07-27T23:12:00.000-07:00

if people give me some sort of attention - like praise me, like me, sympathasize with me, or something like that, I feel good. I feel that I exist. My ego is stroked. Because otherwise I have a lower sense of ego. I tend to do a lot of self-sacrifice and have masochistic tendencies, which hurt "me" and myself. Thus I unconsciously resort to other avenues to feel the sense of ego - like wanting people to praise me or sympathize with me.

But basically it is just a ball game of attention and self-defeating acts. Pure NPD. Pure madness.

madness

2004-07-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

My life is a waste.

With so many streaks of madness in my mind...where in my mind consists of nothing but madness.

I found that we people in our family were always behaving in a notably abnormal, mad way. There were big signs of dysfunction. We used to fight and shout at each other. We used to sometimes shout at my mother, and say, something of the sort - "When I will die in these circumstances, then you will see". This statement indicates that the sayer wants to say that he is in a state of utter despair and distress, and that his goal is not to solve that problem but to show the world how bad a state he is in. His act of death will not be important due to the act itself, but in that it will generate some image/thoughts in the onlooker. (Strangely, it is in the very same vein, I am writing my blog here. I am trying to show that I am in such a bad state, and I am trying to "feel good" by generating emotions of sympathy and pity in the reader - I think this might be the unconscious purpose I am writing this blog for. Man. What an embedded behavior pattern. Why do I have to have all these mad behavior patterns? In fact, another part of my brain probably thinks: the world will watch what I write here, and I will become famous, everybody "will see" my utter state of despair and praise me for writing such a nice blog, they will have a lot of sympathy and pity and they will call me smart, since I expressed my deeper anxieties and fears, which nobody usually does publicly on the Internet. This is another embedded mad behavior pattern. I havent even talked about it. It is related to Narcissistic Personality Disorder(NPD), which I and my brother, sister, and primary my father has. NPD actually brings to me many negative self-defeating, mad, behavior patterns )

Continuing back, I was saying that most people in our family are mad. My father, my mother (both actually in different ways), brother, sister, all family on the side of my father i.e. father's brothers and sisters, and their children too)

Strangely, even one of my aunt (who is the wife of one of my father's brothers) is also mad. She is mad in a more deeper way, actually. Their children have the elements of both kinds of madness, our family's and hers. (Her whole family is mad too, in her way).

One of their daughters (my cousin) ran away from the house to marry a person who was not culturally acceptable as a bride for our family (given the social pressures, which are especially high, because of our high social visibility, and because we are very rich in the town).

We all dont know how to talk. Most of our talk is silly, illogical and absurd. We dont know what we want. We all are purposeless, or lacking any direction. We dont know how we can be happy. Actually we *cannot* be happy. These are all not due to external circumstances but completely internal to us(in the brains, actually). In fact, our external circumstances are pretty good. We are rich, have a high social standing, have a good network of relatives, have a nice house, lots of amenities and facilities, more servants in the house as there are members, etc. Me and my brother have somehow found a way to use this madness as a weapon in our studies, and our performance at school has been pretty good. My brother was first in the town in his 10th grade, and I think one of the top in the 12th grade. He went to top 10 school in India. I had good performace, not as good as him, but pretty good. A lot of people in my life consider me as smart, though many consider me as very stupid and mad. (they truly recognized me as dumb and dull; for the rest: I have been able to successfully feign smartness for a while)

Its strange actually why are we successful. My father is pretty succesful, and my brother and myself as well. My father has a good business, and my brother is quite successful academically, he plays synthesizer very well, he has a good job here in the Bay Area. Even I would be called moderately succesful - coming to the US and doing a software engineer job in a successful firm. When we are so mad, why are we succesfull at all? Seems like if you have certain type of skills, then they might in certain circumstances gives you good survival advantages even though in most others you might be lacking. (like some kind of logical skills, and other kinds of madness like NPD). But there are problems though in this too. I am having a lot of problems in my job right now, I dont know whether I will be able to continue. I might be fired soon. All three of us waste a lot of money....because we are dumb.

to continue...

outlook

2004-07-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

If you think that you are dumb, you dont have anything interesting to say, you are a failure, you wont be able to avoid social rejection for one more moment, etc... then those things actually happen. The only thing that prevents these things happenning to normal people is their belief in the contrary.

frustration

2004-07-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

I need to do my work properly, else I become a lot of frustrated, and a sense of defeat sets in. Wherein, it feels that I am not fit enough for this. And really, maybe that is the case.

Life is such a complex activity that I cannot handle it cleanly. It is a lot of pressure.

It comes up heavy on my brain, and my poor little brain cannot handle it.

Life involves so many things - you have to get up, get ready, eat, go to office, office involves so so many tasks, then you have to take care of your lunch, you have to take care of relationships within the workplace, you have to take care of your dinner in the night, you've to pay bills, you've to remember so many things and keep track of so many things - you have to take care of so many people - and you have to take care of yourself, you have to remember to pick up the tickets, file for vacation, wash your clothes, cook food, purchase groceries, call up friends, call up relatives, clean your house, maintain your house with so many chores, you have to keep track of world news, you have to keep track of technology news, you have to keep learning in your job, you have to take care of a lot of people when you get married, you have to remember so many tasks and activites daily that are so easy to forget, you have to take care of so many chores which are necessary for yourself - you have to keep your academic records organized, you have to maintain legal status, for which you need to keep track of legal rules, visa, etc; you have to rest, now I havent even mentioned the desires yet, you have to read books, you have to see movies, you have to meet friends, you have to hang out, you have to visit places, you have to do activities, ..... i believe i didnt even count half of what actually happenns.

Utopia would be a place where you do what you want to, whenever you want to.

Does this smell like freedom is utopia? It shouldnt be.

personal existence

2004-07-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

No sense/feel of personal existence. Just a logic, thought and NP bag.

Personal Existence: a particular outlook, a particular direction, a particular preference for a way of life, a confidence that self's way of life works, exposure of the inner unreasoning self out in the open available for interpersonal relationships and connecting with people, a life plan aligned with promotion of self survival and happiness.

What its all about

2004-07-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

Its not about thinking that I am not good enough. Its not about thinking that I am inferior. Its not about thinking that I cannot ever be a normal part of society. Its not about trying to become more important. Its not about becoming different. Its not about being depressed.

Its about laughing. Its about enjoying yourself. Its about having fun. Its about having fun with everybody. Its about thinking that you are part of this society that are all trying to do the same thing, having fun in one way or another, and your ways are also acceptable and normal. Its about wanting to do certain things. Desires are not bad. Desires give your enthusiasm and direction. Its about listening to songs, its about watching movies, its about enjoying work, its about enjoying friends, its about planning for enjoyment, its about having joint fun. Its not about thinking what others are thinking about you. Its about loving people. Its about loving yourself.

Feedback loop

2004-07-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

Mode 1:

One part of me wants to compare my value with others ALWAYS, FOR ALL THINGS. I obsessively keep thinking about what others are thinking or feeling about me given my any action. I think about this so much that there is hardly anything else that comes in my mind at many times. [ Now this helps introspection in some sense because then I can use my conclusions about what others are thinking about me in developing theories about my own behavior and thus "introspect". ] This happens basically because I probably want to calculate my value...my worth. This is because of my fear of actually being worthless or valueless. This happenned due to a lot of teasing, laughing or plain rejection and isolation that I got earlier in my life when I tried to behave naturally. (D&D)

This value estimation gives me exaggerated results most of the times. My self-estimate of myself keeps jumping from very high to very low and vice versa very quickly. Both are states that one would not like to be in. When my self-estimation is very high, then I tend to "act smart", telling others that I am smart through all of my actions. I almost become arrogant. This is repulsive. When it is low, then I tend to go very down...almost like clinical depression. I feel that I have lost in my life, and that there is nothing that can save me. I am about the most dumb/dull and hopeless person in the world. I withdraw completely at that point.

In both of these states, I behave such that nobody would want to even talk to me.

There is one more thing I realized. Practically whats happenning is, that when I start thinking about what others are thinking about me, I tend to slow down, and not do anything, and this reaction further generates something in their brain, which I now try to guess, so again I start thinking, which further puts me into inaction, and this again provides more food for my thoughts of what the other person is *NOW* thinking about me. This forms a positive feedback loop, and saturates my brain. And my brain falls dead, and I cannot think about anything now. My brain just stops. At this time, I really become very dumb/dull. Thus, this whole mode is very repuslive, and this makes me very unhappy.

Mode 2:
My mode 2 is the best part about me. Here I am my true self. Sometimes, when I am almost not quite reached the "arrogant side" mentioned above, I go into other modes - which lead to a Happy Gaurang - here I behave like a normal person, who will do things like most other people. This mode is particularly a mode where I am not divided at all. I feel like being in everbody's body. I love all other people. Really love. And that time, people actually dont mind speaking to me. I love everybody and people like that.

Listen

2004-07-06T00:52:00.000-07:00

Dont try to be the best person in the world. Dont expect that everybody in the world should like you. Dont expect to be a person that the whole world admires. Dont try to be a person who will stand out from the rest. Learn to be happy with just being an okay person. With problems, with bad habits, with problems, but have the desire to be good and better. Learn to be happy... and try to increase your and other people's happiness in whatever way you can, whatever it is in your capacity. Dont be angry with your problems. Dont be very harsh on yourself. Whatever you are, you will have problems. Just look at what you have, what friends you have, and be happy with them. Dont forget how to enjoy...Just enjoy. ENJOY.

Enjoying is a big word. It is contagious, and attractive. It is nice.

Enjoy, and have fun. Dont think much. Dont delve too seriously.

Learn to live light......be light.....light with fun, and love. Thats it. Thats the keyword. Light, fun, and love.

Dont value "value". Value of a person is not his most important characteristic. It is hardly important. Dont compare value. Just have fun. Having fun is the only constant denominator and the most important characteristic of a person - his having fun...and the ways he has fun from. Even those ways should not define value. Value should be separated out....and *removed*. People are not better or worse, smart and dumb, good or bad....only the ways they have fun differs. And this can hardly be used to compare "value" of a person.

Just enjoy.

Be light, have fun, and love people.

And take care of yourself.

External Behavior 5

2004-06-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

Whats happenning now:

1. x=0
2. Try to socially mixup with people
3. These reasons:
a) D&d
b) Very easy childhood gave rise to some very bad behavior patterns
c) Absence of desires, goals, motivation
d) If (x>=3) Unability and unwillingness to look for fun
e) If (x>=3) With such a bad social history, complete lack of social confidence, and a very low social self-image
f) If (x>=3) Absent Mindedness
g) If (x>=3) Since social mixup is not possible, ego trying to lay stress on difference between me and people, and trying to prove superiority using the differences
h) If (x>=3) Fear of people, and fear of being rejected - almost confident of being rejected
i) If (x>=3) Ego/Rudeness/Arrogance
j) If (x>=2) Fail due to unnaturalness
k) Because of previous history of depression and social withdrawal, people reluctant to mix
Due to these above reasons, complete social mixup failure
4. Due to social mixup failure, social withdrawal
5. Try to show that others are to blame, for not treating as well as they treat others
6. This show-blame business doesnt yield any results apart from further deteriorating conditions
7. Introspect and Observe what is *actually* happenning
8. Realize that the flaw is in me, and not in others. This condition is a result of myself.
9. Get depressed.
10. This does not yield any results.
11. Get further depressed - almost go into depression
12. If (x>=1) Try to change, and thus go into unnatural states.
13. x=x+1
14. Goto Step 2.

External Behavior 4

2004-06-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

- trying to do things which should not be done right now because there are other deadline-ridden things that must be met. this is doing self-harm, because by doing this i cannot do my required activity in time, and i then get some sense of (er) pleasure in finding myself in tough situations (analysis: going deeper: masochistic tendencies that then get me to situations which i can then use to attract sympathy or to show that life has been so hard to me... when actually it has not - it is just i have made it hard - and maybe i am just looking at it wrongly deliberately)

- trying to blame everybody in a way when they do not give me enough attention and respect. at that point i try to not reverse this issue - instead I withdraw myself, become quite and despondent. feel as if i have lost the game of life. [analysis: i get hurt when my value decreases - i am very sensitive to my value/worth, whenever people dont give me attention/value/respect, i suddenly become very sad and lost, i feel that I have some problem with me....at this point i am also advertantly or inadvertantly trying to generate feelings of sympathy, and unconsciously trying to show that the other people are at blame for not giving me attention] (this trait is part of narcissistic personality disorder i think)

- trying to just talk about frivolous things and trying to just get attention and get people to talk to me. getting people to say "hi" to me, and trying to get them to converse normally with me, which never happens. since the way people converse is totally different. people are on their way to survival... and friendships are only a side effect...for me it is different, since i am totally unable to get friends the normal way (due to my various incapabilities), i try to get attention some other way....sometimes rudely saying hi and wanting other people to say hi. saying stuff to please others... which doesnt work out when there are lots of people.. since it is difficult to figure out what people want when there are 2 or more people.

- sad, depressed, unmotivated, lost in thoughts, absent minded, goalless, non-fun-seeking

feeling better today

2004-06-15T00:22:00.000-07:00

I felt better today.

Stayed over at home. Talked on phone with people.

Lets see how long can we keep this up..

Repeatables

2004-06-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

Remember these, and keep repeating to get back on track:

- Okay.

- Okayyye.

- Okay. Now tell me something else.

- Don't try to be like others. Just be happy.

- Forget so many different realities. Dont try to be one of all these. Just know your own reality. The one your brain was trained for in your life. That reality is the correct reality for you. And you will be able to best work in that reality with only slight alterations tolerable.

- Think about how you will survive.

- There is a problem in you? Okay. But, remember, you ARE normal. Problems are common-place. Only the types vary. Now tell me something else.

- There is an external problem? It must be solvable. How will you solve it and by when?

Just be happy.

2004-06-10T03:04:00.000-07:00

I was pondering on one solution that might serve as a panacea to my problems....

I almost wrote that statement inadvertantly, without much thought, as my 10th point in my new point plan, while hurrying down from the company.

It became the topic of my thoughts for the next hour or so.

It was:

10. Dont try to be like others. Just be happy.

Repeating this in my mind, I found bliss for the next hour. The burden that I carried around since childhood seems to have vanished away in a stroke.

Dont try to be like others. Just be happy. This implies that all the burden that I had carried around since childhood of duplicating other people - to change myself for the other people to like me - should be avoided. I found that most of my internal troubles were related to this. The craving for social acceptance. And my natural state was so different from what people want (or so I thought) that I had to live a life of struggle for know what exactly I am and what I should be. To be or to become?

I think, I have now found the answer. To be.

To be, is the right solution.

We should just be whatever we are, and just be happy.

[DRAFT]

Manners

2004-06-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

Where are your manners? Since when did you become rude? (due to this)

Arrogant? umm. Well I was probably arrogant from before on, but as you know, it is due to the circumstances I find myself in.

I really need to learn a little manners, so that I do not create awkward situations for others.

(But dont manners indicate individual distance?)

External Behavior 3

2004-06-09T17:42:00.000-07:00

These are two of the external apparent social problems I have:

Inconsistent, incoherent mental states:
Okay lets define a mental state as a state of the mind which has a coherent set of memories, a coherent set of memory cache (the parts of the memory we consciously remember), a coherent set of things-to-do (depending on the time, place and the set of memories and desires), a coherent emotional mood based on these things. The problem with me is that I dont tend to remain in an appropriate, natural mental state. Since, for the fear of social rejection, I tend to simulate mental states in order to please others or be like others. This simulation is never even close to the real thing, and, for the onlooker I seem to incoherently hop from one mental state to another with no connection. This, I believe, will almost appear as madness to the onlooker. Apart from the one reason of fear of social rejection, the second reason for this to happen is that I tend to loose contact with the present, with my mind going to think along some non-sense instead of taking the effort to be present in the present.
Re-editing like writing:
I have gotten very used to the comfort of being able to "go back and redo" things. Like when I write, I re-read the sentence and try to improve it. So I never make the effort of getting it right the first time. I always know that I will re-read and correct it later, so anything that I actually end of writing is a result of 2 or 3 scans of the lines. This attitude has petered out into my real life as well. I am not present-minded at all, and whatever I do, is done in some sort of dream like state. Because I unconsciously feel that I will go back and redo this to make it final. But this never happens in real life. I sometimes have to email people saying stuff that I forgot to say or should have said in past situations. So I try my best to use the able-to-redo effect, but it works out only rarely.

Solution to these problems:
I will add this to the list of my plan:

9. Try to be here. Right here. Just be right here with this set of memories. You dont have to change that much. No need to change so much. Just try to just be here in the present, and act naturally. Relax. Act whatever normally comes out of you. (This will require a strong belief in yourself, which will be covered by earlier points in the plan - belief that you can be likeable, almost faith in it). Be spontaneous. Dont think that you can come back and redo this. You have to think everything right now, with whole heart, whole presence of mind, and whole decision making capability. Otherwise you will lag behind in life, you will always try to make older decisions, and your life will end soon. Take anything up and finish it off then and there. Think and decide there and there. Dont postpone the decision process. Do it right there and then.

Towards solving things

2004-06-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

I think it is high time that I take action to solve my problems. These problems are affecting me a lot in all aspects.

I have to develop a concrete plan to a solution. And try hard to follow it.

These are the steps that I think of now:

1. Learn to be happy and content with yourself. Whatever you are, it does not matter. If you are dumb & dull, OK. Whatever you are, its really OK. Really. Be happy with what you are and what you have. You will find that you have so many good things that others dont have, you dont have any financial problem yet, you have all the limbs, you have a promising life to look forward to. You have so many nice people as friends and so nice family, and such a nice cultural setup. And you dont harm people. You are OK. OK. Really OK. You are OK.

2. Learn to take care of yourself. Think about yourself, and how you can improve your life and the life of others around you.

3. Learn to take care of friends and family.

4. Learn to subdue the whole lot of threads that you have running. Dont be restless. Be peaceful.

5. You know what, you can be likeable too. Yes, its hard to believe, but it is true. Really. It is really true that you can be likeable. I mean, really. Believe me. Try it out. It wont work immediately, but you can if you want to. You can be likeable. Even if you are not at this time, you can make changes to yourself to make yourself be. Believe me. Yes. You can be likeable. YES BELIEVE ME. REALLY. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. IT IS POSSIBLE. IT IS REALLY. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT FIRMLY BEFORE IT WILL BECOME TRUE. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE. HAVE FAITH. YES IT IS POSSIBLE.

6. Work hard. Dont let these problems affect you. Working is good. It is good for satisfaction for everybody's happiness around you. You cant change the structure of the society. You are not going to run away. You are in. You are in for good. You cant run away. And society wants you to be successful. Otherwise lot of people will get disappointed. You should concentrate on work and work hard.

7. Be disciplined. Get order in life.

8. Look at activities that can get you fun.

In my next post, I will form a plan and a schedule to enforce these things.

-Gaurang.

Proving superiority bcos of inferiority

2004-06-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

My other blog is just a result of my trying to comment on other people so as to prove my superiority over them. This might be because I am not able to make myself prove to be equal to them, and a sharp sense of inferiority.

Inspirational Advise for me

2004-06-03T01:51:00.000-07:00

This is something I wrote to cheer myself up from this mess:

Like yourself. Love yourself. You are not that bad. You are trying hard. You are not bad. You dont kill other people. I saw so many other people who are not as good as you are also likeable. Why not you?

You are okay. There are duller people, and there surely are dumber peple. You should just love yourself. You should keep yourself happy.

Be Happy dont worry.

Catch a piece of reality and stick with it. You got so confused with so many realities.

Remove all confusions. Remove all hesitations.

Be in the present - here right now.

Life is short. Life is short.
Life is short. Life is short.
Life is short. Life is short.
Life is short. Life is short.
Life is short. Life is short.
Life is short. Life is short.

going down, down, down, down....

2004-06-03T00:56:00.000-07:00

Is this clinical depression?

I cried a lot today in the morning. I dont see any concrete reason, but I know that I was deeply, deeply sad and unhappy.

I dont remember crying so much in recent memory.

I felt worthless and useless for life and the world. I felt that nobody likes me, that I am inferior to all and there is some big problem with me. I felt that I havent found a person who is as worse as me. And I felt frustrated because I was not having been able to do what I wanted, there was some gap between what I wanted to do, and what I was able to do.

I dont know how I was able to get myself up from such a low point an hour or so from then.

I must learn to "like" myself to get myself out of this hole that I am in.

Internal Behavior 2 - diary

2004-06-02T02:05:00.000-07:00

[this is another diary entry - which was written running, and no thought about making this right or perfect.)

I have always had this fear of being dumb. When I talk to people I find that I have very few things to say to people - thigns that would interest them. Even when I speak to friends, I soon run out of things to say, and I have to make myself think of things to say. And often I find that they become disinterested in what I say very soon. And I feel really dumb and inferior at that point since I have not found any other person facing this issue.

I find that people are so mature and can think of things to do and things to say whereas I cannot.

People seem to have a personality, whereas I do not.

I have figured out these days that in my inner depths I am d&d - dumb and dull. Being dull, means my most natural state is to just do nothing and even stop my brain. Like a dead person. Being dumb means my brain is very slow and gets confused so very often.

A lot of times I have observed that people tend to go away from me - almost like being repelled from one. Nobody likes me. Or even comes close to it.

My friends - they must be sick of me. I always need to be taken care of - I cannot manage myself. they do take care of me, but soon they will grow sick of me. I have a good group of friends from my school days when we are not expected to be mature. But now that we are grown up, I fear that they might also turn away since they have become mature, whereas I am the same dumb person I was earlier.

These d&d have caused a lot of effects on my behavior over time.

I have become a narcissistic, where in I always try to create an image for others which is not d&d. All of my effort are directed towards proving I am not dumb and dull, but am smart and enthusiastic. but those images never persist, and they get broken very quickly, then I tend to be a little rude, or apologetic or withdraw completely from society.

Yes, I am not fit for life and for society.

In one of those long time efforts to make others not find out that I am d&d, I have another thread of thought always running in parrallel which is trying to observe me and trying to figure what others are thinking of me now - have they found out yet that I am d&d? This thread hinders my present-mindedness a lot, but maybe it is there to prevent me from being present minded because of my fear that when I become present minded, people will find out about my true reality. Another of those long time efforts is to think a lot about any problems so that I may find a solution that others did not and thus prove to others that I am smart. And somehow I feel that my analytical thinking is better than average. By writing this down, my unconscious reason might be that other read this and take sympathy and I am finally accepted into society as a normal person.

Sometimes my dumbness & dullness becomes the dominant cause of problems, sometimes my dissociation, sometimes my narcissism, sometimes my arrogance (arrogance because I try to prove that no I am indeed really smart - to cover up all of my d&d).

Apart from all of my negative qualities, I believe that I have a good quality of empathy - which makes me feel the sorrow of others and sympathise with them.

Currently I feel good when people pay attention to me (in any sense, praising me, criticizing me, sympathizing with me), I think this is because I havent been able to get their love & engage in healthy mutual friendships because of d&d.

Internal Behavior 1 - diary

2004-06-02T01:08:00.000-07:00

[This is more like a typical diary entry than the others - this was written in a direct, running flow, and with no back thoughts]

I am. I think I am.

Is the door I see actually there in front of me or I am imagining a person who is in front of the door? (Is he me? Is he actually really me? Am I? I think I am.)

A person who is the perfect anti-thesis to life itself. A person who is incapable of performing its basic functions, a person whose even survival for 24 years seems to me nothing short of amazing.

I can move his hands. I can tell him to go somewhere I want him to go with limited but definite success. I told him to catch a bus to go to job and he missed 3 of them consecutively. And amazingly he does this on an almost regular basis. How further can a thought and action be apart?

[He is me]

This stage has come after a long series of experiences.

My defining characteristic is "dullness". I start from there.

The break between action and thought probably came out when thoughts wanted to come out of the paralysis of action. But even the paralysis of action came about, I think, because of basic incompatibility of action with social norms (beating sisters when small, just running around with enthusiasm with no mental maturity at all) and the heavy social rejection (Panchgani) I sense a string of madness in me since as long as I can remember. Madness is what? Madness is feeling wierd, having a feeling to do something which do not conform with any social convention. The incapability of mind to assimilate many diverse sources of information into coherent essence and use that to direct yourself towards making yourself happy [and follow social norms which are actually directed towards making mutual survival of a large number of people easier]. This dumbness is the basic core of me. However, this is complimentary to the inherent dullness. How each of them is a cause of the other is difficult to find - but they do have mutually reinforcing properties. This dumbness and dullness has given rise to all of my behavior I think.

With these streaks of d & d (which usually come with a bonus of ,adness), you cannot be natural and still be accepted. Social rejection resulting from d&d is the most important director of behavior. To counter this, you form two layers of yourself - your thoughts which form a buffer between the instincts and actual actions.

Currently I am deeply unhappy. Maybe my madness gave rise to a behavior pattern earliy in life, which was pleasure in going down or telling others I am down. To tend to show something about myself to others indirectly (which shows my uniqueness or brings attention) since I am never able to get their attention in the first place.

- Is my desire to love every boy and unite with every girl a result of rejection?

- I need a companion who is such a romantic that she doesnt mind madness.

- To counter madness I continuously ruminate on my action thoughts to feign smartness. But fail to do so spontaneously.

- I love crying.

- I love sentimental music.

- I love crying for other people and I feel in love.

Changing myself

2004-06-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

I became so much, that I have lost track of who I am, and what is "me".

How much to be and how much to become in order to cope with society and life in general is the most major decision that one makes about himself. [in short, to be or to become?]

I chose to become too much.

Now I no longer exist as myself. I have a become a confused, vague, ill-defined person who does not behave as an existing entity.

Why cant I be someone who is liked?

Because my natural state is dullness. My natural state at equilibrium is to just do nothing. Physically or mentally. Just stop all physical activitiy, and even productive mental activity - letting the brain flow without acheiving anything or going anywhere.

This state of dullness is an antithesis to life. Life is about activity and enthusiasm, about desire and motivation, about action, and productive in-line thoughts.

I am destined to have a very hard life. Since I cannot live this life and be with people if I continue to be dull. I will not be able to do things for myself, nor any person in the world will accept me, since dullness is very socially repulsive. So I have to change myself a lot to live...and changing yourself a large amount is HARD, and when you do that, you reach a confused state where you dont know who you are.

-Gaurang.

Solving problems

2004-05-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

I appear to be enjoying these problems, and seem to be not doing anything to solve them. I am just observing. This is because of dissociation from reality. I tend to become an observer and not a participant in life, causing to dissociate from reality and not being able to generate any desires, emotions, or actions.

This might be my inherent tendency (due to dissociative disorder as I mentioned in a previous post) or may be due to constant social rejection.

This dissociation makes me not want to make any effort and induces laziness.

And it makes me enjoy dissociation because I dont have to do any work to please people or do as people say.

But I will trying to generate the will power to solve these problems and really try to improve, since I feel that I am loosing on all aspects of life.

-Gaurang.